How Your Lazy and Lousy Leadership Language May Be Tanking Your Influence with Others

August 8, 2023

I graduated from college in 1991 and landed in central Minnesota to start my professional career as a k-12 teacher and coach. Since I knew few people besides those I worked with, friendships emerged through my coworkers. Many of them had also made big moves for their teaching positions, so we naturally became like a second family to each other. It was easy to ascribe to the phrase: 


“We are like family here.”


While our intentions were good in thinking about my colleagues as family, I grew to realize that phrase was problematic.


Years later, I worked for a boss who regularly espoused that exact phrase, “We're like family.”

man covering his mouth in surprise

That was all lovely until the organization went through a few bumps and the cultural implication at the time became more combative with a domineering fist at the helm barking out orders to help out “the family.”



I didn't fully appreciate the connection until I read Sharone Bar-David's book Trust Your Canary: Every Leader's Guide to Taming Workplace Incivility. She writes in one of her articles:


“At the heart of this belief lies the notion that the closeness and caring that characterize family life allow members of the ‘workplace family’ to cross colleagues’ personal boundaries without being hurtful or inappropriate.”


Her perspective motivated me to eliminate this phrase from my vocabulary. While I still have close relationships with the people I serve, I've stopped short in recent years from thinking about (or espousing) them as actual family.


The Problem with Incongruency


Many of our everyday language traps result from habits that don’t actually align with our intentions. This results in an incongruency. When you and I are incongruent, we project confusion and doubt to others.


The examples below are the most common phrases I regularly encounter when language doesn't match what's intended. I'm still working to eliminate some of these phrases I've said myself.


As many of us discover, the leadership development journey is as much about what to stop as it is about where to start.

Transform Your Future | Lead With Clarity | Grow Your Performance


You aren't alone if you've struggled to find clarity in leading your team forward.


Teams function at less than 60% of their performance potential and community trust is at an all-time low. 


Simply put, leading people and systems has never been more complex.


The Lead Team Institute {LTI} will equip you to break through your growth barriers.


Whether it's leading results-based teams, communicating with success, improving your engagement, increasing influence, refreshing your vision, building trusting communities, or many other challenges we face as campus leaders, you'll know exactly what steps to take to generate momentum for your community.


If you want to build an irresistible campus brand, you will want to join the waiting list to enroll in the next Lead Team Institute {LTI} Campus Cohort. 


Accelerate Your Team’s:


  • Communication
  • Connection
  • Alignment
  • Capacity
  • Execution
  • Culture


Reserve Your Spot for Fall 2023. Join the Lead Team Institute Waitlist Today!


“Frankly…” or “To be honest…”


A common example of incongruent language is prefacing what's about to be said with “Frankly…” or the closely related “To be honest…” Most of the time, when this is said, the intention is to emphasize candor.


Unfortunately, the listener sometimes hears the opposite. A sudden emphasis of candor may leave the other party wondering what changed. When I notice someone say, “To be honest…” during a conversation, I find myself wondering if they've been honest up until that point.


Skip the doubt and drop this qualifying language. If you notice yourself saying this a lot, you might ask yourself:


“Am I actually providing as much candor as I claim?"


Hollow Apologizing


I most regularly see unnecessary apologies at the start of a formal meeting or presentation when something unexpected occurs. It might sound something like this:


“I want to apologize in advance if I miss a few things in this presentation. Jon was supposed to present this section, but he's unexpectedly out today…I just got the material this morning. I'm not really the expert on this, so I hope you'll forgive me if there's missing information or if this leaves you confused.”


Hey, if it's just you and a few colleagues you know well, no big deal, right?


Yet, I've seen it happen often when someone opens with language similar to the above in front of an executive team or board of directors. I begin to doubt the presenter's credibility when I hear this kind of opening.


By all means, apologize if you've done something wrong or errored, but don't dig yourself into a hole before you've even started. Very few people care what preparation didn't quite go according to plan.


Instead, skip the unnecessary apology, give yourself a pep talk, and show up to serve, even if you did get the slides just an hour earlier.


Side Note: A close cousin of the above is spending inordinate amounts of time troubleshooting technology problems in front of your audience. Always arrive early to set up your tech and have a backup plan. If the technology fails and you can't resolve it in 15 seconds while on the game field, move on and adapt. 


“What we came up with…”


We all received an assignment or project that we weren't super excited about but got charged with delivering. I regularly recall presentations in school where a fellow student started a project presentation with, “OK, here's what we came up with…” To me, this phrasing implies throwing something together at the last minute.


That may work fine in your college marketing course, but it's an odd way to start a professional interaction. And yet, I've heard many proposals over the years begin with, “Here's what we came up with…” 


Oddly, most of the time, the person saying it has easily met or exceeded expectations. Still, either out of habit or their lack of personal interest in the topic, their language could be better.


If, indeed, it's the case that you're not as excited about the project as your stakeholder, I'm reminded of this quote from Susan David. 


“Emotions are data, not directions.”


Just because the work isn't compelling doesn't mean you must announce it. It's about who you are serving, not you.


What's better? Keep it simple and start with, “Here's my proposal…” or “After a detailed analysis, we're making several recommendations…”


Does anybody have any questions?


Like many leaders, I've attended more meetings and presentations in my career than I could count. A majority have been helpful in some way. And many of them ended with this:


“Does anybody have any questions?”


Well-intended? Sure. After all, don't you want to solicit questions?


Yes, but how you do it is critical.


I've often seen the “Does anybody have any questions?” combined with a somewhat nervous glancing around the room, odd facial expressions, and occasionally walking away without saying more. Sometimes, body language suggests that this “question” was merely intended as a segue to the next item on the agenda.


If questions are present, you want to convey that you're ready and willing to respond. I often say, “Who has the first question?” Not only does that wording invite interaction, but it also portrays confidence. Be sure also to provide time for people to think before they respond (the teacher in me recommends 8 seconds). If you only hear silence, follow up with “A question I'm commonly asked is…” that reinforces a key message.


Either way, assume your audience have questions and demonstrate that you are ready and willing to engage.


Self-Congratulatory Language


I regularly listen to podcasts while working out or traveling to expand my perspectives and thinking on timely topics. The hosts on my playlist are all very knowledgeable and highly experienced. 


Many of them also start the episodes explaining how awesome and helpful the forthcoming conversation will be with so-and-so. I typically 1.75X through that noise to get to the good stuff, but it makes me cringe a bit each time I hear someone telling me how to feel about what I am about to experience instead of allowing me to come to a positive conclusion on my own. 


We all need to market our work, but how you do it is critical.


Rather than, “This is some of our best work ever,” or “I know that you're just going to love this,” or using anything containing the phrases “value bomb” or “blown away,” consider a different approach.


Donald Miller, the bestselling author of Building a Story Brand, said this recently on one of his latest podcasts that hit a homerun: 


“Insecure People talk about themselves. People who are confident talk about others. Demonstrate through your language that you understand the problem the other party faces, and then explain how you can help address it. If you talk about yourself, do so in the context of how it helps your stakeholder get to where they need to go.”


When it's essential to highlight your credibility, make the claim stronger by citing a respected third party. When my work becomes relevant in a dialogue with someone who doesn't know me, I'll sometimes offer this:


“Google Analytics ranks our HPG site as the #1 search result for “Leadership Team Performance” in the United States.”


The implication? A respected entity other than me says that my work is helpful for campus leaders who want to improve.


Virtually every leader has third-party examples they can point to. Spend a few minutes surfacing your go-to examples to frame your work well.


Insensitive Phrasing


We've all used language that may have seemed fine but landed with another person very differently. Leaders should be especially vigilant about their references to faith, gender, culture, or other dehumanizing phrases that don't align with their intended message.


When expressing disagreement with an idea or another, I sometimes hear, “Well, I don't care if…” or the more direct, “I hate it when…” Yes, while people may use that language in everyday dialogue, expressing “not caring” or “hate” for someone or something might land very differently with others within your sphere of influence.


What's better? Use gracious language that aligns with the intended message. Stating, “I have a different opinion…” or “Yes, I'm aware that finance thinks differently about this…” conveys a clear thought without the emotional baggage.


Avoid language referencing gender, culture, or physical attributes when that's not what you're discussing. Accounting for “man-hours” or referring to all people as “guys” isn't inclusive. 


More problematic phrases like, “We just need some warm bodies” or “It's time to put butts in seats” imply that humans are things, not people. Additionally, language like “He doesn't have the cojones…” may have sounded cool in high school, but mixing or comparing human beings to body parts is never professional.


Instead, say what you mean: “There are four open positions that we need to fill,” or “We still have 40 tickets to sell for the event,” or “I have concerns about his initiative.”


Beware also of analogies that evoke a clear image but not one you intend. An example I’ve heard is, “We all need to open our kimonos…” said in the context of sharing information or data. In addition to being culturally insensitive, it creates an image that isn't appropriate in most workplaces.


Application – Next Steps


Opinions vary on wording, but the more significant point is to examine the leadership language you're using that might not align with what you intend. Perhaps an example above has surfaced where this could be true for you.


Then, pick one phrase to change or replace with different wording. Aim to use it at least once a day. Right now, I'm working on replacing the phrase “you guys” with “you both” when referring to our adult son and daughter together.


Drop me a note if you were poked a little by this post and how we can stay on the journey of “better” together. 



Related Reading

Trust Your Canary: Every Leader's Guide to Taming Workplace Incivility* by Sharone Bar-David.

P.S. Campus teams, on average, function at less than 60% of their performance potential because they don't invest in team capacity and team potential.


The HPG Team has created a training and coaching practice to help teams win against the gravitational pull of average performance, and we can help YOU!


  1. Check out our suite of leader and team resources 👇🏼
    https://www.higherperformancegroup.com/resources
  2. Set up a call to explore the next steps 👇🏼
    https://www.higherperformancegroup.com/schedule


More Blog Articles

Higher Performance Insights | ONE BAD APPLE

By HPG Info • July 8, 2025
How a single leader can sink your team (and how one good one can save it) Last month, a superintendent I work with shared what happened during her presentation of the strategic plan to the board. Twenty years of experience, proven results, polished presentation, and promising data. Halfway through, one executive team member sat back, arms crossed, occasionally checking his phone. A board member started shuffling papers. By the end, three others had adopted the same disengaged body language. What should have been an energizing strategic discussion devolved into polite nods and no real commitment. That same week, a university president I consult with described identical dynamics in her executive team meeting. Different building, same pattern: one person's negativity was infecting the entire senior leadership. This painful parallel revealed a leadership truth that research confirms: one person can significantly impact your team's performance by as much as 30-40%. But one person can also save it completely. The Brutal Science: Your Star Leaders Might Be Your Biggest Problem You've hired brilliant people. Advanced degrees, proven results, impressive credentials. But here's what organizational behavior expert Will Phelps discovered when he planted one "bad apple" into 44 different work groups: Performance dropped 30-40% consistently. It didn't matter if the person was: The Skeptic (aggressively questioning every initiative) The Withdrawer (withholding effort on strategic planning) The Pessimist (negative about every proposal) The result was always the same: One leader's negative behavior infected the entire team. "I'd gone in expecting that someone would get upset with the slacker or downer," Phelps said. "But nobody did. They were like, 'Okay, if that's how it is, then we'll be slackers and downers too.'" Your leadership team isn't choosing to underperform. They're unconsciously mirroring the energy around them—what neuroscientists call "emotional contagion." Where One Leader Changes Everything However, one group in Phelps' study remained energetic and produced excellent results despite the presence of the bad apple. The difference wasn't intelligence, experience, or positional authority. It was one person who understood what MIT's Human Dynamics Lab calls "belonging cues"—micro-signals that create a sense of psychological safety. This leader didn't take charge or give motivational speeches. Instead, he did something much simpler: When resistance emerged during budget discussions, he leaned forward, made eye contact, and responded with genuine curiosity. Not fake positivity, but authentic interest that "took the danger out of the room." Then came the pivot: "That's an interesting concern—what would you suggest we do differently?" Result? Even the resistant member, almost against his will, found himself contributing constructively. The Neuroscience Behind Leadership Infection MIT's Human Dynamics Lab studied hundreds of executive teams using "sociometers"—devices that measure micro-interactions between leaders. Their finding changes everything: You can predict team performance by focusing on how leaders interact rather than what they say. The five factors that drive executive team performance: Everyone talks and listens in roughly equal measure High levels of eye contact and energetic gestures Direct communication between all members, not just with the CEO Back-channel conversations and side discussions Members who explore outside the team and bring information back Notice what's missing from this list? Degrees. Experience. Strategic expertise. Belonging cues matter more than credentials. The neuroscience is clear: simple safety signals reduce cognitive load in decision-making, which in turn increases strategic thinking, drives innovation, and creates breakthrough results (Edmondson, 1999). Your leadership team dynamics are literally working for or against your mission. The Executive Infection Gap: When Smart Leaders Create Stupid Results Every negative interaction in your cabinet costs you: Faculty who disengage because they sense leadership division Students who suffer when initiatives fail due to leadership dysfunction Community members who lose confidence witnessing leadership conflicts The research is concerning: 30 seconds—that's how long it takes for negative energy to spread in executive meetings If one senior leader checks out, others follow unconsciously When leadership teams can't create safety, organizational initiatives die Allowing negativity to spread among your senior team affects every student you serve. From Infection to Connection: The Framework That Works ❌ The Typical Approach (Actually Destructive): Hope the resistant leader comes around Cabinet meeting scenario: Your executive team member constantly questions every initiative, rolls their eyes during presentations, and makes dismissive comments. You address it privately, but nothing changes. Other team members start to disengage. Result: Strategic planning stalls. Good initiatives die. High-performing leaders start looking elsewhere. ✅ The Breakthrough Approach (Game-Changing): Respond to resistance with curiosity and inclusion Same scenario, different response: When the executive team member questions an initiative, you lean forward and say, "You're raising important concerns—help us think through what success would look like from your perspective." Then pivot: "What do the rest of you think about these points?" Result : The resistant leader feels heard instead of dismissed. The team stays engaged. Opposition turns into constructive problem-solving. The ROI of Executive Team Belonging The numbers prove leadership safety wins: School districts with high-functioning leadership teams see 23% better student outcomes Campuses with psychologically safe executive teams show 45% higher innovation rates Simple safety interventions can improve leadership team performance by 30-40% in weeks Your leadership team dynamics aren't just "nice to have"—they're driving every outcome in your organization. Transform Your Leadership Team Starting Today The Executive Safety Test: Step 1: Record your next cabinet/executive team meeting Step 2 : Count belonging cues vs. safety threats among leaders Step 3 : If threats outnumber cues, your leadership dynamics are creating the problem Three Daily Practices: Lean forward when team members raise concerns Respond to resistance with "What am I missing?" and actually listen Create micro-moments of safety in every executive decision The Leadership Team Safety Discussion Protocol: For your next executive team meeting: Have each member share when they felt most and least safe to speak the truth in recent meetings Compare responses—what patterns emerge among your senior team? Practice responding to resistance with curiosity instead of defensiveness Identify any leaders who might be unconsciously spreading negativity Remember: resistance usually signals important information, not disloyalty The Choice Every Leader Must Make You can manage resistance or mine wisdom from it. You can hope that negativity will dissipate or actively foster a sense of belonging among leaders. You can let one senior leader infect your team or become the person who transforms it. You cannot do both. The most brilliant superintendents and presidents consistently choose connection over control among their senior teams. They've learned that executive safety isn't soft—it's strategic. They've discovered that belonging cues among leaders aren't touchy-feely—they're performance drivers. Because leadership team safety is simple . Simple safety scales throughout the organization. Scalable safety creates sustainable performance for students. And sustainable student performance is what brilliant leadership actually looks like. The Hidden Factor Behind High-Performing Teams Here's what I've learned from working with hundreds of leadership teams: The difference between teams that foster belonging and those that spread disconnection isn't just about individual awareness—it's about Team Intelligence (TQ) . When MIT studied executive teams, they discovered you could predict performance by ignoring what leaders said and focusing entirely on how they interacted. Teams with high TQ naturally create the belonging cues that prevent negative infection and amplify positive energy. The TQ Advantage: 40% faster problem resolution in complex situations 27% higher team member satisfaction and retention 35% more strategic objectives achieved on time The breakthrough teams I work with understand that one resistant leader doesn't have to destroy team performance. When teams develop TQ, they learn to respond to resistance with curiosity, mine wisdom from opposition, and transform potential "bad apples" into contributors. Ready to Transform Your Team Dynamics?

Higher Performance Insights | WHEN SMART LEADERS SOUND STUPID

July 2, 2025
The 7-Part Framework to Turn Your Bumbling Into Brilliance Here's what happened last Tuesday at a board meeting that was hard to watch. A brilliant superintendent with a post-graduate degree and twenty years of experience spent 45 minutes presenting their "comprehensive student achievement initiative leveraging pedagogical frameworks aligned with district strategic priorities." The board nodded politely. A parent in the back raised her hand: "Can you explain this so my 13-year-old would understand?" The superintendent couldn't. That challenging moment was a graduate course in communication: The most brilliant leaders use language a 13-year-old understands. Smart words are simple, scalable, and sustainable. Fancy words don't edify—they confuse. And to be unclear is to be unkind. Full disclosure: I LOVE words. Early in my career as a young executive, I felt I needed to use a fancy lexicon to prove my competence to my colleagues and community. I was that guy dropping "paradigmatic frameworks" and "synergistic methodologies" in every meeting. Then a colleague lovingly pulled me aside after a presentation and said, "Joe, I think you meant the etymology of this word, not the entomology... That's the study of bugs." No lie, that happened. And I've been on a professional learning track ever since to reform my language to be less fluff and more function. The Brutal Truth: Your Intelligence Might Make You Sound Unintelligent You're brilliant. Your degrees prove it. Your experience confirms it. Your results validate it. But here's what's happening: You sound smart, but communicate unintelligibly Your scholarly vocabulary creates barriers, not bridges Your complex explanations confuse the very people you're trying to help The research is clear: When people encounter complicated messages, they ignore them, seek simplified versions, or research meanings Your brain burns 20% of your body's energy despite being only 2% of your body weight Complex messages literally exhaust people—and exhausted brains don't make decisions The crushing reality: Every fancy word you use to sound smart makes you less effective as a leader. Where Brilliance Meets Clarity The most brilliant leaders pass this test: Can a 13-year-old understand what you just said? If not, you're not communicating intelligently—you're just showing off your vocabulary. Why this matters: It represents your community's actual literacy level It cuts through jargon instantly It forces you to focus on what actually matters It reveals whether you truly understand your own ideas "If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough." Einstein Most leaders fail this test spectacularly. Smart Words Are Simple: The Science Behind Clarity Meta-analyses of narrative transportation research prove that when people become deeply engaged with simple, clear messaging, they experience significant changes in: Attitudes Beliefs Behaviors The neuroscience of understanding: Simple language reduces cognitive load Reduced cognitive load increases comprehension Increased comprehension drives action Action creates results Your fancy words are literally working against your mission. The Team Intelligence Gap: When Smart People Communicate Stupidly Every confused message costs you: Students who don't apply because they don't understand the value Donors who don't give because they can't grasp the impact Faculty who don't engage because they're lost in the jargon The deeper problem: Your brilliant individual leaders are producing average team results because they've confused sounding smart with being effective. The brutal reality: 15 seconds—that's how long people scan content before bouncing If your message needs a translation, you've already lost When leadership teams can't communicate simply, initiatives die in complexity To be unclear is to be unkind to the very people you're trying to serve. The 7-Part Framework To Force Clarity What students want (in everyday language) The problem they face (no jargon, just truth) Why you understand (personal, not professional language) Your track record (results, not rhetoric) Three simple steps (if it's confusing, fix it) What to do next (one clear action) What's at stake (consequences they can picture) Test every sentence: Would your community understand this? From Scholarly Confusion to Simple Brilliance: Real Examples K-12 Transformation: Standards-Based Grading ❌ The "Smart" Approach (Actually Stupid): "Comprehensive Standards-Based Assessment Implementation Initiative" "As part of our commitment to educational excellence and aligned with district strategic priorities, we are implementing a comprehensive standards-based grading framework. This pedagogical shift represents a fundamental reimagining of our assessment paradigm, moving from traditional percentage-based evaluation metrics to proficiency-based learning progressions..." ✅ The Brilliant Approach (Human-Friendly): "Finally Know If Your Child Is Actually Learning" What parents want: You want to know if your child is ready for next year—not just their grade average. The problem: Your child brings home a "B" but you have no idea if they understand math or just turned in homework on time. When they struggle with algebra next year, you're blindsided. What we do: We teach each skill until your child masters it We report exactly which skills they've mastered and which they're still learning We give extra help on skills they haven't mastered yet The result: Schools using this approach see 23% better student performance and 40% fewer students needing help later. Higher Ed Transformation: AI-Powered Mental Health Support ❌ The "Smart" Approach (Actually Stupid): "Innovative Digital Wellness Ecosystem Leveraging Artificial Intelligence" "In response to evolving student needs and technological advancement opportunities, we are launching a comprehensive digital wellness ecosystem that leverages artificial intelligence and machine learning algorithms to provide personalized mental health support interventions..." ✅ The Brilliant Approach (Human-Friendly): "Get Mental Health Help Before You're in Crisis" What students want: You want to feel better without waiting three weeks for a counseling appointment. The problem: You're struggling with anxiety or depression, but you're not "sick enough" for crisis help. You suffer alone until things get really bad. What we do: Text our AI counselor anytime, day or night (completely private) Get immediate help tailored to your specific situation Connect with human counselors when you're ready The result: Universities using this system see a 60% decrease in students in crisis and a 45% increase in students completing their degrees. The Pattern Every Brilliant Leader Must See Notice the transformation: Confusing messages focus on the institution and use big words to sound impressive Clear messages focus on the person's problem using words they actually use The brilliant leaders understand: Smart words are simple words Simple words are scalable across all audiences Scalable words create a sustainable impact Sustainable impact is the only measure of true intelligence If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough to lead it. The ROI of Speaking Clearly The numbers prove clarity wins: Organizations with simple, clear messaging see email marketing returns of $36-$40 for every dollar spent Systems that test their messaging for clarity generate ROI improvements of up to 760% Teams that communicate simply create breakthrough performance that scales Your fancy vocabulary isn't impressing anyone—it's costing you everything. Transform Your Team's Communication Intelligence The Clarity Test Step 1: Take your most important initiative Step 2: Explain it in simple, human language Step 3: If you can't, you don't understand it well enough to lead it The gap between complex and simple is the gap between failure and success. Three Questions Every Brilliant Leader Must Answer Would any parent understand what problem this solves? Can anyone follow the steps to solve it? Would people actually care about the outcome? Team Intelligence Discussion Protocol For your next leadership team meeting: The Clarity Audit: Have each team member explain your most important campus initiative in simple, everyday language Compare responses—how different are they? Which explanations would actually help someone? The Jargon Purge: List every fancy word you use to describe your work Replace each with a word a 13-year-old knows Test the new version with actual people The Kindness Check: Review your current website, emails, and presentations Ask: "Are we being kind to the people we're trying to help?" Remember: To be unclear is to be unkind The Choice Every Brilliant Leader Must Make You can sound smart or be effective. You can impress colleagues or help students. You can use fancy words or create real change. You cannot do both. "I would not give a fig for the simplicity that exists on this side of complexity; but I would give my life for the simplicity that exists on the far side of complexity." —Oliver Wendell Holmes The most brilliant leaders consistently choose clarity over complexity. They've done the hard work of mastering complexity so they can deliver simplicity. They've wrestled with the big ideas so they can explain them in small words. They've earned the right to speak like a human being instead of a textbook. Because smart words are simple words. Simple words scale. Scalable words create sustainable impact. And sustainable impact is what brilliant leadership actually looks like. Ready to Lead with True Intelligence?  Stop hiding your brilliance behind big words. Start communicating with the clarity that creates change.
Show More