How Your Lazy and Lousy Leadership Language May Be Tanking Your Influence with Others

August 8, 2023

I graduated from college in 1991 and landed in central Minnesota to start my professional career as a k-12 teacher and coach. Since I knew few people besides those I worked with, friendships emerged through my coworkers. Many of them had also made big moves for their teaching positions, so we naturally became like a second family to each other. It was easy to ascribe to the phrase: 


“We are like family here.”


While our intentions were good in thinking about my colleagues as family, I grew to realize that phrase was problematic.


Years later, I worked for a boss who regularly espoused that exact phrase, “We're like family.”

man covering his mouth in surprise

That was all lovely until the organization went through a few bumps and the cultural implication at the time became more combative with a domineering fist at the helm barking out orders to help out “the family.”

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I didn't fully appreciate the connection until I read Sharone Bar-David's book Trust Your Canary: Every Leader's Guide to Taming Workplace Incivility. She writes in one of her articles:


“At the heart of this belief lies the notion that the closeness and caring that characterize family life allow members of the ‘workplace family’ to cross colleagues’ personal boundaries without being hurtful or inappropriate.”


Her perspective motivated me to eliminate this phrase from my vocabulary. While I still have close relationships with the people I serve, I've stopped short in recent years from thinking about (or espousing) them as actual family.


The Problem with Incongruency


Many of our everyday language traps result from habits that don’t actually align with our intentions. This results in an incongruency. When you and I are incongruent, we project confusion and doubt to others.


The examples below are the most common phrases I regularly encounter when language doesn't match what's intended. I'm still working to eliminate some of these phrases I've said myself.


As many of us discover, the leadership development journey is as much about what to stop as it is about where to start.


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“Frankly…” or “To be honest…”


A common example of incongruent language is prefacing what's about to be said with “Frankly…” or the closely related “To be honest…” Most of the time, when this is said, the intention is to emphasize candor.


Unfortunately, the listener sometimes hears the opposite. A sudden emphasis of candor may leave the other party wondering what changed. When I notice someone say, “To be honest…” during a conversation, I find myself wondering if they've been honest up until that point.


Skip the doubt and drop this qualifying language. If you notice yourself saying this a lot, you might ask yourself:


“Am I actually providing as much candor as I claim?"


Hollow Apologizing


I most regularly see unnecessary apologies at the start of a formal meeting or presentation when something unexpected occurs. It might sound something like this:


“I want to apologize in advance if I miss a few things in this presentation. Jon was supposed to present this section, but he's unexpectedly out today…I just got the material this morning. I'm not really the expert on this, so I hope you'll forgive me if there's missing information or if this leaves you confused.”


Hey, if it's just you and a few colleagues you know well, no big deal, right?


Yet, I've seen it happen often when someone opens with language similar to the above in front of an executive team or board of directors. I begin to doubt the presenter's credibility when I hear this kind of opening.


By all means, apologize if you've done something wrong or errored, but don't dig yourself into a hole before you've even started. Very few people care what preparation didn't quite go according to plan.


Instead, skip the unnecessary apology, give yourself a pep talk, and show up to serve, even if you did get the slides just an hour earlier.


Side Note: A close cousin of the above is spending inordinate amounts of time troubleshooting technology problems in front of your audience. Always arrive early to set up your tech and have a backup plan. If the technology fails and you can't resolve it in 15 seconds while on the game field, move on and adapt. 


“What we came up with…”


We all received an assignment or project that we weren't super excited about but got charged with delivering. I regularly recall presentations in school where a fellow student started a project presentation with, “OK, here's what we came up with…” To me, this phrasing implies throwing something together at the last minute.


That may work fine in your college marketing course, but it's an odd way to start a professional interaction. And yet, I've heard many proposals over the years begin with, “Here's what we came up with…” 


Oddly, most of the time, the person saying it has easily met or exceeded expectations. Still, either out of habit or their lack of personal interest in the topic, their language could be better.


If, indeed, it's the case that you're not as excited about the project as your stakeholder, I'm reminded of this quote from Susan David


“Emotions are data, not directions.”


Just because the work isn't compelling doesn't mean you must announce it. It's about who you are serving, not you.


What's better? Keep it simple and start with, “Here's my proposal…” or “After a detailed analysis, we're making several recommendations…”


Does anybody have any questions?


Like many leaders, I've attended more meetings and presentations in my career than I could count. A majority have been helpful in some way. And many of them ended with this:


“Does anybody have any questions?”


Well-intended? Sure. After all, don't you want to solicit questions?


Yes, but how you do it is critical.


I've often seen the “Does anybody have any questions?” combined with a somewhat nervous glancing around the room, odd facial expressions, and occasionally walking away without saying more. Sometimes, body language suggests that this “question” was merely intended as a segue to the next item on the agenda.


If questions are present, you want to convey that you're ready and willing to respond. I often say, “Who has the first question?” Not only does that wording invite interaction, but it also portrays confidence. Be sure also to provide time for people to think before they respond (the teacher in me recommends 8 seconds). If you only hear silence, follow up with “A question I'm commonly asked is…” that reinforces a key message.


Either way, assume your audience have questions and demonstrate that you are ready and willing to engage.


Self-Congratulatory Language


I regularly listen to podcasts while working out or traveling to expand my perspectives and thinking on timely topics. The hosts on my playlist are all very knowledgeable and highly experienced. 


Many of them also start the episodes explaining how awesome and helpful the forthcoming conversation will be with so-and-so. I typically 1.75X through that noise to get to the good stuff, but it makes me cringe a bit each time I hear someone telling me how to feel about what I am about to experience instead of allowing me to come to a positive conclusion on my own. 


We all need to market our work, but how you do it is critical.


Rather than, “This is some of our best work ever,” or “I know that you're just going to love this,” or using anything containing the phrases “value bomb” or “blown away,” consider a different approach.


Donald Miller, the bestselling author of 
Building a Story Brand, said this recently on one of his latest podcasts that hit a homerun: 


“Insecure People talk about themselves. People who are confident talk about others. Demonstrate through your language that you understand the problem the other party faces, and then explain how you can help address it. If you talk about yourself, do so in the context of how it helps your stakeholder get to where they need to go.”


When it's essential to highlight your credibility, make the claim stronger by citing a respected third party. When my work becomes relevant in a dialogue with someone who doesn't know me, I'll sometimes offer this:


“Google Analytics ranks our HPG site as the #1 search result for “Leadership Team Performance” in the United States.”


The implication? A respected entity other than me says that my work is helpful for campus leaders who want to improve.


Virtually every leader has third-party examples they can point to. Spend a few minutes surfacing your go-to examples to frame your work well.


Insensitive Phrasing


We've all used language that may have seemed fine but landed with another person very differently. Leaders should be especially vigilant about their references to faith, gender, culture, or other dehumanizing phrases that don't align with their intended message.


When expressing disagreement with an idea or another, I sometimes hear, “Well, I don't care if…” or the more direct, “I hate it when…” Yes, while people may use that language in everyday dialogue, expressing “not caring” or “hate” for someone or something might land very differently with others within your sphere of influence.


What's better? Use gracious language that aligns with the intended message. Stating, “I have a different opinion…” or “Yes, I'm aware that finance thinks differently about this…” conveys a clear thought without the emotional baggage.


Avoid language referencing gender, culture, or physical attributes when that's not what you're discussing. Accounting for “man-hours” or referring to all people as “guys” isn't inclusive. 


More problematic phrases like, “We just need some warm bodies” or “It's time to put butts in seats” imply that humans are things, not people. Additionally, language like “He doesn't have the cojones…” may have sounded cool in high school, but mixing or comparing human beings to body parts is never professional.


Instead, say what you mean: “There are four open positions that we need to fill,” or “We still have 40 tickets to sell for the event,” or “I have concerns about his initiative.”


Beware also of analogies that evoke a clear image but not one you intend. An example I’ve heard is, “We all need to open our kimonos…” said in the context of sharing information or data. In addition to being culturally insensitive, it creates an image that isn't appropriate in most workplaces.


Application – Next Steps


Opinions vary on wording, but the more significant point is to examine the leadership language you're using that might not align with what you intend. Perhaps an example above has surfaced where this could be true for you.


Then, pick one phrase to change or replace with different wording. Aim to use it at least once a day. Right now, I'm working on replacing the phrase “you guys” with “you both” when referring to our adult son and daughter together.


Drop me a note if you were poked a little by this post and how we can stay on the journey of “better” together. 



Related Reading

Trust Your Canary: Every Leader's Guide to Taming Workplace Incivility* by Sharone Bar-David.


P.S. Campus teams, on average, function at less than 60% of their performance potential because they don't invest in team capacity and team potential.


The HPG Team has created a training and coaching practice to help teams win against the gravitational pull of average performance, and we can help YOU!


  1. Check out our suite of leader and team resources πŸ‘‡πŸΌ
    https://www.higherperformancegroup.com/resources
  2. Set up a call to explore the next steps πŸ‘‡πŸΌ
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Note: Your team already knows the answer. Here’s a diagnostic question nobody asks at your strategic planning retreat: When was the last time your stated values cost someone something real? Not a performance conversation. Not an awkward pause in a hiring debrief. An actual consequence — a hire you didn’t make, a promotion you delayed, a departure you initiated — because someone violated the culture, not the metrics. Take a moment. Search your memory. I’ll wait. If you’re struggling to name the instance — not because it was so long ago, but because it genuinely hasn’t happened — then you don’t have values. You have wallpaper. Beautiful, professionally designed, consensus-approved wallpaper. Run a word cloud on the stated values of 500 K-12 and higher ed institutions right now. Integrity. Respect. Excellence. Innovation. Equity. Community. The six most expensive words in educational leadership. Expensive because they cost nothing to claim and prove nothing when violated. 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By HPG Info May 18, 2026
You believe in your people. Your org chart doesn't. ο»Ώ That's not a leadership philosophy problem. It's an architecture problem. And it's sitting in five questions. The gap between what your cabinet produces and what it's actually capable of isn't a hiring problem. It isn't a training problem. It isn't even a culture problem — though it wears culture's name in most post-mortem conversations. It's a deployment problem. And it has a name: The Deployment Gap — the distance between what your people are actually built to do and what your cabinet architecture is currently asking them to do. You don't have a talent problem. You have a deployment architecture problem. And unlike talent, architecture is completely within your control. The test below takes eight minutes. It will either confirm what you already sense — or surface a gap you've been too busy to name. Either way, you'll know something true by the end of it. 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Research across 987 leadership teams tells us the same story in different fonts. High-IQ cabinets underperform not because of individual deficiency but because of structural misalignment — people operating outside their zone of genuine contribution, carrying responsibilities that drain rather than energize, filling roles designed for a generic leader rather than the specific, irreplaceable human being actually sitting in the seat. TQ = IQ × EQ × PQ. The PQ dimension — Perceptual Intelligence, the capacity to accurately see what's actually happening with the people in your system — is the one most cabinet leaders have optimized least. Not because they don't care. Because nobody gave them a diagnostic tool that cut beneath the org chart. Until now. (This is the exact gap THE TEAM INSTITUTE was built to close — not through individual development, but through collective architecture that deploys who your people actually are. More in a moment.) 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The result: capable individuals operating at a fraction of their actual ceiling, not because they're underperforming but because they're misaligned. The tragedy isn't that they're failing. It's that they're succeeding at the wrong things. Question 2 In your last five cabinet meetings, who spoke the most? Who spoke the least? And does that pattern reflect genuine contribution — or organizational hierarchy? Silence in a cabinet meeting is never neutral. It's either the silence of someone who feels safe enough to think before speaking — or the silence of someone who has learned that speaking costs more than it's worth. If the same two or three voices dominate every meeting regardless of topic, you don't have a quiet cabinet. You have a cabinet where PQ has been quietly trained out of most of the room. The ideas you need most are sitting behind the people who stopped offering them somewhere between year one and year two. Question 3 When did you last move someone in your cabinet — not out, sideways — because you discovered they'd be more valuable somewhere else? If the answer is "never" or "not recently," you're running a static architecture in a dynamic institution. The principle of comparative advantage — deploying people based on what makes the whole team better, not just what fills the org chart — requires ongoing recalibration. High-TQ cabinets aren't built once. They're continuously tuned. If your cabinet looks structurally identical to the one you inherited or designed three years ago, it's almost certainly operating below its ceiling — because the people in it have grown, and the structure hasn't followed. Question 4 If you removed yourself from the room, would the quality of your cabinet's thinking go up, go down, or stay the same? This one stops people cold. And it should. The honest answer for most leaders is: it would go down. Not because their cabinet is incapable — but because the cabinet has been architected around the leader's presence rather than the team's collective intelligence. When the leader is the room's primary thinker, the cabinet functions as a reporting structure rather than a thinking unit. High-TQ cabinets are built to think better when the leader steps back, not worse. If your absence creates a gap rather than an activation, the architecture needs attention. → Save this before you keep reading. Question 4 is the one you'll want to bring to your cabinet. Question 5 What is one thing someone on your cabinet is genuinely better at than you — and are you currently deploying that superiority or quietly managing it? This is the question that separates leaders who believe in their people from leaders who manage their people. Believing in people is not a sentiment. It's a structural act. It means building an architecture where someone else's excellence isn't a threat to your authority — it's the mechanism by which your institution actually moves. If the honest answer is that you're managing their superiority rather than deploying it, you're paying the full cost of their talent while capturing only a fraction of its value. The org chart proves it — or it doesn't. THE FRAMEWORK What High-TQ Cabinets Do Differently The leaders in our research who moved their cabinets from functioning to performing didn't do it through better hiring. They did it through better seeing. They stopped asking "Is this person good at their job?" and started asking "Is this person in the job they're actually built for — and is the team architecture drawing out what makes them irreplaceable?" Three specific moves separated them from the rest. Move 1: The Contribution Conversation 30 minutes. This week. Schedule a one-on-one with each cabinet member — not a performance check-in. A contribution conversation. One question: "If you could redesign your role to maximize what you do better than almost anyone, what would change?" Then listen without defending the org chart. You're not committing to restructuring. You're generating intelligence. What you learn in those conversations will tell you more about your cabinet's deployment gap than any assessment you've ever administered. (If you're thinking "I don't have time for five thirty-minute conversations" — you're currently spending far more than that managing the downstream effects of misalignment. The math is not close.) Move 2: The Silence Audit Your next cabinet meeting. At your next cabinet meeting, track — on paper, not mentally — who speaks, on what topics, and for how long. Don't change the meeting. Just observe it. What you'll find almost always surprises leaders: the pattern of voice has almost nothing to do with who has the most relevant expertise on a given topic. It has everything to do with who has learned that speaking in this room is safe. The silence audit isn't about demanding more participation. It's about diagnosing which voices your current architecture has quietly trained out of the room — and what those voices would be worth if the architecture changed. Move 3: The Comparative Advantage Question Standing agenda item. Add one question to your monthly cabinet agenda: "Given what each of us is genuinely best at — are we deployed against our comparative advantages right now, or against our job descriptions?" High-TQ cabinets ask this question continuously. They treat deployment as a living variable, not a fixed structure. The result isn't chaos — it's the opposite. When people operate inside their zone of genuine contribution, the collective architecture stabilizes because everyone is giving what they actually have rather than performing what was expected. THE MATURITY SHIFT IMMATURE LEADER THINKS: "I need to develop my people." MATURE LEADER THINKS: "I need to deploy my people — against what they're actually built for, not what the org chart assumed they'd be." IMMATURE LEADER THINKS: Fills roles with people. Hires for the job description. Evaluates against it. Develops people within it. MATURE LEADER THINKS: Builds architecture around people. Discovers what each person does better than almost anyone. Builds the structure that deploys it. IMMATURE LEADER THINKS: Believes in their people as a value statement. MATURE LEADER THINKS: Believes in their people as a structural act. The org chart proves it — or it doesn't. The gap between believing in your people and building for them is the most expensive gap in educational leadership. It doesn't show up on your balance sheet. It shows up in every cabinet meeting where the room produces less than the sum of the people in it. Your turn: Run Question 1 right now. Name one person on your cabinet whose greatest professional strength is not what you're currently asking them to do most. First name only. One sentence. What would change in your institution if you fixed that one misalignment? Drop it in the comments. The pattern in those answers will tell you something important about how many leaders are sitting on untapped architecture. THE TEAM INSTITUTE Most leadership development programs operate on a theory that is structurally backwards: develop people individually, and cabinet performance will follow. It won't. Not at the level you need. Not consistently. Not without the collective architecture that ensures individual development actually lands somewhere. Here's what the research across 987 leadership teams shows: the cabinets that moved from 60% to 90% capacity didn't get there by becoming individually sharper. They got there by building the collective conditions where each person's genuine contribution could actually be deployed — and protected. That's what THE TEAM INSTITUTE builds. Not better individual leaders. Better collective architecture — the shared language, structural clarity, and trust infrastructure that turns eight individually capable people into a cabinet that genuinely multiplies. 8 months. Full cabinet. Sequential development that builds from the foundations on which everything else depends. From our research: 3x performance improvement. 29% higher engagement. 27% better organizational outcomes. Zero burnout increase. One requirement: full cabinet participation. Partial collective architecture is not architecture. It's a majority position wearing the name of the whole. If you recognized your cabinet somewhere in those five questions, that recognition is data. Not a feeling. Data. The Team Intelligence Assessment is not a self-assessment. It's a whole-cabinet diagnostic — your full leadership team completes it together, and the output shows exactly where your cabinet lands on the spectrum from functioning to multiplying. Calibrated against 987 leadership teams across 43 states. The output pinpoints specifically whether the gap in your cabinet lives in IQ, EQ, or PQ. Most cabinets find the gap isn't where they assumed it was. That surprise is where the real work begins. If there were a way to build the collective architecture your cabinet is missing — without another retreat that returns seven brilliant individuals to the same broken system — would that be worth exploring? → Learn more and reserve your team's assessment window: higherperformancegroup.com/team-intelligence-assessment This is a conversation between people who are done accepting cabinets that function when they could be multiplying. FOUND VALUE IN THIS? Help other educational leaders find it: → Repost this with your answer to Question 4. "If I stepped out, my cabinet's thinking would _____." One word. The leaders who need to read this are in your network right now — and that one word will make them stop scrolling. → Tag a cabinet member who brings something genuinely irreplaceable to your team — and tell them you see it. Seven words. Highest-ROI leadership act you'll do this week. → Comment with your honest answer to Question 1. One name, one sentence. The pattern in those comments will tell you something important about how many leaders are sitting on untapped architecture. The more leaders who move from developing their people to deploying them, the better our institutions become. Follow DR. JOE HILL for the framework. Follow Higher Performance Group for the research behind it. Every week.
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