4 Ways To Ensure You Become The Type Of Boss Your People Love And Laugh With (Not At)

September 27, 2022

It happens every day.


You’ve seen it, and maybe you’ve done it.


Done what?


Talk about a leader behind their back about everything you think you could never say to their face.


Every day, people vent about their leaders with rolled eyes and snarky jokes.


Most leaders have no clue it’s happening to them.

Please note: The organization's success does not exempt one from the backstage devilries. 


No level of leadership frees you from your weaknesses. You can lead one of the most successful systems in your sector and still have flaws that frustrate your team.


And here is the truth: The higher one transcends up the organizational chart, the more these weaknesses are illuminated. 


So, how do you avoid becoming that leader?


One of the best ways to do that is to make sure your team talks TO you about their challenges.


If your team feels like they can talk TO you, the office drama and gossip drop precipitously. 


So, how exactly do you build the conditions for that?


Here are four keys to creating a culture where people can talk to you as a leader, not just about you when you leave the room. 


I’ll also walk you through some fresh examples of how this reality plays across our HPG team.


If you don’t think this matters, remember—people don’t quit their jobs these days. They leave leaders and cultures.


1. Ask…Then Brace Yourself 

 

The best way to avoid being the leader everyone complains about is to ask your team for feedback. 


Directly. 


Face to face.


Then…brace yourself. 


It would also help if you raised your pain threshold. 


If the feedback you hear from your team surprises or bothers you, don’t tell your face. Smile because your team is giving you a gift.


A current example:

I recently received some feedback from my team as part of an Executive Quarterly {EQ} retreat we did.


I specifically asked them to name where I was getting in the way of our performance. I told them nothing was off-limits, and they didn’t have to worry about my Feeler getting hurt. 


Well…they told me.


Some comments about my leadership included:

  • I can be impulsive.
  • Sometimes, I wig out when things aren’t going well.
  • I micromanage when I’m not sure about the outcome.
  • Sometimes, our mid-term goals seem unclear or vague.


You know what? They were right.


Sure, I was disappointed to hear each of those nuggets of critique, but my frustration was directed at the man in the mirror. I have blind spots, and I am still a work in progress. 


I love my team and their willingness to step in the ring to challenge me with an accurate assessment of my leadership over the last quarter.


Our team often uses the “L” word in our work. 


Love = To Fight FOR the Greatest GOOD of the Other.


Here’s the bottom line. To be a Higher Performance leader, you must raise your pain threshold to hear that kind of feedback directly, honestly, and face to face with your team.


Please note:

  • You can’t wince.
  • You should not deny it.
  • You shouldn’t defend yourself.
  • You can’t sulk.


Once you hear honest feedback, the correct response is a simple “thank you.”


This is the stuff that strengthens your team and culture. 


Sadly, when you look at scandal after scandal across various sectors and leadership spheres, that kind of direct, honest, open feedback is missing because it’s often penalized.


Instead, leaders cultivate cultures of fear, bullying, and self-preservation. In extreme cases, I’ve even heard of dominating leaders forcing staff to resign and demanding they sign NDAs (non-disclosure agreements) on their way out to ensure they won’t talk about how bad things were.


If you want to create irresistible culture, crave the feedback you’d usually curtail, even if it hurts.


Especially if it hurts.


2. Reward It

 

In case you missed it, honest feedback is something you need to reward when given.


Many senior leaders say they’re approachable when that’s not the case.


Remember, even if you think you’re nice, you hold the keys to hiring and firing people. Most people are afraid to tell you the truth because they’re scared of being penalized, pushed to the side, passed over for promotion, or even fired.


So, when you get honest and even critical input, celebrate it.


In our feedback session (and countless other meetings where I get feedback like this), I must remind myself to let my team know that I’m grateful and that this is precisely what they should be doing and need to hear.


Exemplary leaders say things like:

  • Thank you.
  • This feedback is a gift.
  • That’s fair. 
  • I’m grateful you care enough to share that.


If you think it’s risky to do this at work, imagine what would happen if this was the dynamic at home. Trust me. The reward is worth the risk. 


This is the stuff healthy teams do habitually.


And the team will only be as healthy as the leader.


The Time To Optimize Your Campus Performance Is Now

The Lead Team Institute {LTI} is a step-by-step framework for Optimizing Higher Team Performance (when gravitational pull toward average is working against you). 


{LTI} is a complete program of workshops, tools, coaching, and strategies that will equip you to drive Higher Team and System Performance. 


Learn more about the Lead Team Institute

3. Ask More Questions

 

You’ll want to make the honest feedback moments as brief as possible.


Don’t.


When an individual or your team gives you critical feedback, they usually test the waters with something mild and watch for your reaction.


In other words, provoke them to go a few rounds with you to get to the honest truth. 


So, in addition to celebrating what they’ve shared, open another round—in the most open tone possible—by asking questions like:


That was so helpful. Thank you. Anything else?


We should get all interference out on the table.
What else are people seeing? What else could help us grow?


I’m learning and need to know this stuff. Any other thoughts or observations?


Yes, that’s bold, but it’s worth it.


Usually, in round two or three —when people feel safe—the big stuff shows up (my impulsiveness showed up in round three of me asking the question).


Yes, this takes humility. But I’ve learned humility comes through two paths:



  1. Voluntarily
  2. Involuntary


How does involuntary humility happen? Simple: when you get humiliated by others or by a situation. Humiliation is involuntary humility. When you don’t humble yourself, others are happy to do it for you.


I’m trying to be intentional in taking the voluntary path moving forward. 


I don’t always get it right, but I’m fighting hard for me and us.

 

4. Practice the Two-Month Rule

 

Ongoing and honest feedback from your team shouldn’t be an annual event or a performance review phenomenon (the yearly performance review is going the way of the video rental store).

 

You can also have the tightest systems in the world by asking for feedback regularly and still not getting honest responses from your team.


Here is where the “Two Month Rule” comes to play.


If I were your performance coach, I would ask, “when was the last time someone gave you harsh feedback that you took and leveraged to change a leadership behavior that everybody on your team could observe and appreciate?”


If you couldn’t give me an example, I would probably say that your influence is diminishing.


Seriously, if I can’t name a specific challenge that one of my trusted team members gave me in the last two months that helped to keep me off the rocks of average or underperformance, I bet they are also laughing at me and not with me. 


Mic drop.


It got me thinking…have I gone through two-month spurts where all I heard was sunshine? 


Honestly, I’m just not that good. 


And neither are you.


This means it’s time to go back to the team and actively solicit honest feedback.


For me, it’s not just a matter of leading better. It’s a matter of character, care, and credibility. 


I want the people closest to me to become better with me. That includes my wife, kids, friends, and team.


The people closest to you should have the best access to you to be For You. 


Often in leadership, it’s the exact opposite.


Brand New: A Step-By-Step Framework to Optimize Higher Team Performance (when gravitational pull toward average is working against you).


Every leader I know struggles with average-performing systems and is under the gun to improve. Most lack the confidence and collective talent to make it happen. 


I know it’s hard to be that honest to admit you have more questions than solutions. 


If you are hungry for change, we can help. 


Higher Performance Group exists to Optimize Higher Team Performance. 


Don’t think it’s just you and your team who are struggling. That couldn’t be further from the truth. 


So how do you Reclaim Your Momentum (LINK to Reclaim Your Momentum {LIVE}) when you are back in the whirlwind and can’t give up any additional time?


The Lead Team Institute {LTI}  is a step-by-step leadership development solution that integrates within your regular standing leadership meetings. 


In the series of workshops, you will get my entire playbook for Optimizing Higher Team Performance—from start to finish:

  • How to optimize team communication
  • How to optimize team connection
  • How to optimize team alignment
  • How to optimize team capacity
  • How to optimize team execution
  • How to build highly reliable systems


And much more. 

 

The complete package of workshops, tools, assessments, performance coaching and strategies will equip you to build irresistible culture and Higher Team Performance. 


Are you ready to lead your team to higher heights? You can get access to all of it today!

Learn more about the Lead Team Institute

More Blog Articles

By HPG Info March 24, 2026
Conviction builds loyalty. Consensus builds mediocrity. I own more Milwaukee tools than any non-contractor has any business owning. A drill. A hammer drill. A circular saw. A packout toolbox system I am genuinely embarrassed to price out—because the boxes that hold the tools have become as satisfying as the tools themselves. I am an organizational researcher and executive team coach who studies leadership teams for a living. I have, without anyone asking me to, become an unpaid marketing department for a power tool brand. I've been trying to understand: Why? Because I didn't drift into Milwaukee. I converted. I had DeWalt tools that worked fine. I replaced them—deliberately, at real cost—because I watched someone on YouTube be genuinely passionate about what Milwaukee was building, and I needed to know what that felt like. Three years later, I'm recommending Milwaukee to people who didn't ask about tools. That's not brand loyalty. That's conviction. And it raises a question I haven't been able to stop thinking about: When is the last time someone became an unpaid evangelist for what you're building? When is the last time a family, a faculty member, a board member recommended your leadership—not because you nudged them, not because a survey asked them—but because they couldn't help it? Our research across 987 leadership teams answers this. The highest-performing institutions aren't the most collegial. They're the most convicted. They know precisely what they're building—and precisely what they refuse to build—and that clarity is more infectious than any strategic plan ever produced. TQ | TEAM INTELLIGENCE is an operating system for Higher Performance teams, but TQ without direction is just a very sophisticated engine with no destination. The multiplication has to be pointed at something—and more importantly, away from something. That's the part most leadership development programs forget entirely. The Diagnosis: The Polite Mediocrity Trap Let's talk about this like adults who've survived enough strategic planning retreats to know the difference between a vision statement and a conviction. Here's what Milwaukee figured out that most educational institutions haven't: being excellent at something requires being honest about what you're against. Milwaukee makes tools for professionals who cannot afford equipment failure under real conditions. That's the for. But the conviction that makes it mean something? They're against the race to the bottom. Against cheap materials dressed up in professional branding. Against the assumption that the person in the field will just deal with it. That against is what makes the for believable. Now walk into most school district or university cabinets and ask: What are we against? Not diplomatically. Not in the language of strategic planning documents. What are you actually done tolerating? You'll hear one of two things. Silence—the professionally calibrated kind, where everyone waits to see who speaks first so they can calibrate their answer. Or a list so abstract it could describe any institution in your state: inequity, mediocrity, the status quo. ("The status quo" is not an oppositional conviction. It's a placeholder dressed up as one. Every institution claims to be against the status quo while carefully maintaining it. If you're against the status quo, name the specific element in your specific institution that you are specifically done accepting. Then watch the room.) The root cause isn't cowardice. It's architecture. Most cabinets have been built—entirely by accident, over years of professional socialization—to reward the performance of alignment and punish genuine conviction. The person who says what they're actually against gets labeled 'difficult.' The person who nods and complains in the parking lot gets labeled 'collegial.' The system selects against exactly what you need. (This is the specific gap THE TEAM INSTITUTE closes—not by making your people better individually, but by building the collective architecture that makes shared conviction possible and safe to name. More on that in a moment.) The Framework: Conviction Architecture Call it the Conviction Architecture. Three dimensions. All required. None of them optional if you want to build something people actually fight to be part of. This isn't complicated. It's just uncomfortable. 1. The Affirmative Conviction — What You're Actually Building Not what you're open to building. Not what you're committed to exploring. What you are actually, specifically, irreversibly building. Here's the test I run with every leader I work with: The Substitution Test. Take your vision statement, your priority framework, your strategic plan—and replace your institution's name with any other institution in your state. Does the document still work? If yes, you don't have a conviction. You have a template. A conviction doesn't survive substitution. "We believe the students in this zip code are capable of competing with any student in this state, and we are done accepting systems that assume otherwise" does not survive substitution. That's a conviction. It names something real, creates real friction, and tells you exactly what the institution is willing to fight for. Milwaukee's affirmative conviction survives substitution. You cannot swap their name into a DeWalt brand statement and have it still be true. The specificity is the point. 2. The Oppositional Conviction — What You're Done Tolerating This is the one most educational leaders refuse to develop publicly. And it is precisely this one that generates loyalty. Think about the leaders in your network who you'd follow anywhere. Every single one of them can tell you—without diplomatic hedging—what they're done tolerating. The assumption that their community's kids are somebody else's problem. The budget process that rewards volume over vision. The professional development ritual that consumes three days per year and changes nothing by the following Monday. They name these things. In public. In front of people who disagree with them. And here's what happens: The people who came for the title or the proximity to power quietly find somewhere else to be. The people who believe in the same things become ferociously loyal—not because they were recruited, but because they were finally in a room where someone said the thing they'd been thinking for years. That's what Milwaukee does with every product decision. They're not trying to be the tool brand for everyone who has ever needed a tool. They're for the professional who needs the equipment to actually work. That specificity makes some people feel excluded. It makes the right people feel seen. The people who feel seen become evangelists. The evangelists bring more people who feel seen. The question for you: What are you done pretending is acceptable?? The answer to that question is the center of your leadership brand. Most leaders never say it out loud. The ones who do build institutions worth following. 3. The Relational Conviction — Who You're Specifically For Cult-level loyalty—the healthy kind—isn't built on quality alone. It's built on the audience's specificity. Milwaukee isn't for every person who has ever held a drill. They're for the professional-grade user who needs equipment that doesn't fail under real conditions. That specificity is what makes their core audience feel genuinely chosen—not accommodated, chosen. Most leaders have been trained to lead for everyone. And while that breadth is appropriate in service delivery, it's corrosive in leadership identity. In cabinet terms: Are you building for the people on your team who are ready to genuinely commit to transformation? Or are you designing initiatives that don't make the least committed person in the room uncomfortable? You cannot do both. The attempt produces exactly the kind of universally-tolerated, nobody-evangelizes-for-it mediocrity that keeps institutions performing at 60% of their actual capacity. The Case Study Let me tell you about a superintendent I'll call Renata. (Not her real name—but Renata, if you're reading this, you've told this story better than I'm about to.) Renata inherited a district led, for eleven years, by a superintendent who was universally well-regarded. Stable board relationships. Decent outcomes. A cabinet that had mastered the art of professional consensus. Nobody was passionate. Nobody was difficult. The district persisted. Renata's first act was not a strategic plan. It was a statement—shared with her cabinet, then her board, then her community—about what her district was done tolerating. She was against the assumption that kids in her zip code couldn't compete academically with those in the wealthier neighboring district. Against professional development that consumed teacher time without producing classroom change. Against administrative processes built for system convenience at the expense of family access. She named these things specifically, publicly, in front of people who were not entirely comfortable hearing them. Two cabinet members who couldn't align with the oppositional conviction left within eighteen months. Renata calls those "the first round of clarity costs." She paid them without drama. Three years later: enrollment grew for the first time in a decade. Not from a marketing campaign. From word of mouth. Families in adjacent districts started talking. Teachers began applying who had heard, through the professional network, that this was a place that knew what it was building. The board member who pushed back hardest in year one told Renata at her third-year evaluation that she was the best hire the board had ever made. Renata didn't build loyalty by being easy to like. She built it by being impossible to mistake. People knew exactly what she was building and exactly what she refused to accept. The people who wanted to build that thing with her became evangelists. Without being asked. If you're reading this thinking, 'I know what I'm against—but my cabinet doesn't share it yet'—that's the specific gap THE TEAM INSTITUTE closes. Shared conviction isn't installed through a memo or a retreat. It's built sequentially, through structured collective development that turns eight individual perspectives into one team that multiplies. Schedule a consultation to explore whether this is the right moment for your cabinet. Whether you work with us or not, here's what you can do Monday morning. The Application: Three Conviction Moves Here's what to do Monday morning (assuming you're not already in crisis mode, in which case, bookmark this and do it Tuesday): Step 1: Write the 'We're Done With' List (20 minutes, alone, before anyone else is in the room) Not a cabinet exercise. Just you. Finish this sentence ten times: "We are done tolerating ________." Don't edit for diplomacy. Write the actual list. The budget process that rewards whoever complains loudest over whoever thinks most clearly. The board dynamic that turns every cabinet meeting into a performance. The strategic initiative that gets launched with full cabinet 'support' and quietly starved of resources by March. Now read the list. The items that make you slightly nervous—the ones where you thought 'I can't actually say that publicly'—circle those. That nervousness is the signal. That's where your real conviction lives. That's the version of your leadership that builds institutions people can't stop talking about. This is the same move Milwaukee made before they built the packout system. They asked: what are we done tolerating in the way professionals organize and transport tools? The answer produced something people 3D-print custom attachments for in their spare time. Your 'done tolerating' list has the same generative potential. Step 2: Run the Substitution Test on Your Strategic Plan (15 minutes) Pull your most recent strategic plan. Replace your institution's name with any other institution in your state. Does the document still work? If yes, you have a placeholder. The conviction isn't in the plan—it's in you. The work is surfacing it, not writing a new plan. Find one sentence in that document that could only be true of your institution, your community, your specific moment. If you can't find one, write one. That sentence is your starting point. Step 3: Say One True Thing in Your Next Cabinet Meeting Just one. In the room. Without the diplomatic hedge at the end. "I want to name something we've been tolerating that I'm no longer willing to tolerate." Then name it specifically. Three things will happen: Someone agrees immediately—that's your first ally. Someone pushes back—that pushback is the most useful data you'll get all month. Or nobody reacts—which means you're in a consent-theater dynamic and you have a different problem to solve first. All three outcomes are more useful than another meeting where everyone nodded and nothing changed by Thursday. Two Objections, Handled: "I can't afford to alienate anyone." You're currently alienating the most committed people on your team by leading as if their conviction has to wait for the least committed person in the room to be ready. That's not caution. That's how you lose your best people to institutions where someone finally said what they were actually building. "My board would never accept this." Renata's board had the same concern. The board member who pushed back hardest is the one who called her the best hire in the district's history. Conviction doesn't lose boards. What loses boards is a leader who can't articulate what they're building clearly enough for the board to get behind it. The Maturity Shift Immature leaders think: "My job is to build consensus around a shared vision." Mature leaders think: "My job is to build a shared conviction strong enough to hold when consensus breaks down." Immature leaders make the vision broad enough that nobody can disagree with it. Mature leaders make the conviction specific enough that only the right people can commit to it. Immature leaders celebrate a full room. Mature leaders ask why everyone in the room describes a different institution when you ask what they're building. Here's the uncomfortable truth: A team without shared conviction doesn't multiply. It averages. Eight individually excellent people, each carrying their own unspoken direction, produce the mean of those directions. The safest course. The least offensive. The least transformative. The one that keeps the district or university exactly where it is while consuming 100% of everyone's capacity to keep it there. The 987 leadership teams in our research who moved from 60% capacity to 90% capacity didn't get there by becoming individually smarter. They got there by developing a shared conviction about what they were building—and what they were done accepting—and multiplying that conviction together. That's what TEAM INTELLIGENCE actually means when it works: not eight people performing alignment, but eight people genuinely committed to the same thing. Sequential investment creates compounding conviction. The Milwaukee packout didn't become a cult object because the first box was remarkable. It became one because every subsequent piece was designed to fit into and enhance what came before. Your cabinet works the same way. Your turn: What's one thing your institution is genuinely against—not officially, not diplomatically, but actually against—that has never been named out loud in a cabinet meeting? Drop it in the comments. Not for performance. Because naming it is the first step to building a team that shares it. Tag someone who you've watched lead with a backbone—someone who says the true thing in the room where it costs something to say it. They deserve to be recognized for it. THE TEAM INSTITUTE Most leadership development programs spend eight hours building individual capacity and return your cabinet to a collective system designed to neutralize exactly what they just developed. Your people come back sharper. They return to a meeting culture that hasn't changed. The individual work doesn't transfer. You know this. You've watched it happen. You've paid for it more than once. THE TEAM INSTITUTE is an 8-month developmental journey that builds what your cabinet is actually missing—not individual skill, but collective architecture. The trust that makes honest conviction safe to name. The shared language that makes it portable across the team. The sequential development—from individual clarity to collective commitment to organizational multiplication—that turns eight excellent individuals into a team that genuinely compounds. Month by month, your cabinet builds what no single training or retreat ever produced: a shared operating system with a shared direction. The kind where someone on your team becomes an unpaid evangelist for what you're building—not because you asked them to, but because they finally found something worth talking about. From our research across 987 leadership teams : 3x performance improvement. 29% higher engagement. 27% better organizational outcomes. Zero burnout increase. One requirement: full leadership team participation. Partial conviction is not conviction. It's a majority position. If you recognize the gap between what you're building and what your team has actually committed to—schedule a 30-minute consultation to explore whether THE TEAM INSTITUTE is the right intervention for your cabinet right now. This is a conversation between people who are done tolerating leadership development that returns brilliant individuals to a broken collective system and calls the investment complete. https://www.higherperformancegroup.com/team-institute Found Value in This? Help other leaders find it: → Repost with the one thing your institution is actually against that's never been named publicly. The leaders who read this need to know they're not alone in carrying that conviction. → @Tag a leader with a backbone. Someone you've watched say the true thing in the room where it cost something to say it. Name them specifically. → Comment with your Substitution Test result: Does your strategic plan survive having your name replaced with any other institution in your state? Yes or No. The comments will tell you something about your peers you won't hear anywhere else. The more leaders who move from performed alignment to shared conviction, the better our educational institutions become. Follow DR. JOE HILL and Higher Performance Group for weekly Team Intelligence insights. Next Issue "Your Cabinet Doesn't Actually Disagree With You (And That's the Problem)" We'll explore why the most dangerous dynamic in educational leadership isn't conflict—it's the professional performance of agreement, while the real conversation happens in the parking lot.  Spoiler: Your last strategic plan didn't die in implementation. It died the moment everyone nodded, and nobody meant it.
By HPG Info March 17, 2026
THE SPRING BREAK 2026 REVEAL A short dispatch from Tucson — and the most honest picture of burnout I've ever seen ☀️ Tucson. Spring break. Bear Down country. Ms. Becky and I buzzed to dinner at one of our favorite spots near the Catalinas. Good food, great views, the kind of evening you actually protect on your calendar. We pull into the parking lot. I open my door. And I stop. Because the car next to ours has a spare tire mounted on the back that is — there is no other word for it — destroyed. Shredded down to the steel belts. Rubber hanging off the rim in thick, ragged strips like something took a bite out of it. It doesn't look like a blowout. It looks like the tire lost a long argument with physics and physics won decisively. I pull out my phone. Ms. Becky does the thing she does — that specific eye roll that communicates, with remarkable efficiency: "Joe. Could you just. Not." 
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