4 Ways To Ensure You Become The Type Of Boss Your People Love And Laugh With (Not At)

September 27, 2022

It happens every day.


You’ve seen it, and maybe you’ve done it.


Done what?


Talk about a leader behind their back about everything you think you could never say to their face.


Every day, people vent about their leaders with rolled eyes and snarky jokes.


Most leaders have no clue it’s happening to them.

Please note: The organization's success does not exempt one from the backstage devilries. 


No level of leadership frees you from your weaknesses. You can lead one of the most successful systems in your sector and still have flaws that frustrate your team.


And here is the truth: The higher one transcends up the organizational chart, the more these weaknesses are illuminated. 


So, how do you avoid becoming that leader?


One of the best ways to do that is to make sure your team talks TO you about their challenges.


If your team feels like they can talk TO you, the office drama and gossip drop precipitously. 


So, how exactly do you build the conditions for that?


Here are four keys to creating a culture where people can talk to you as a leader, not just about you when you leave the room. 


I’ll also walk you through some fresh examples of how this reality plays across our HPG team.


If you don’t think this matters, remember—people don’t quit their jobs these days. They leave leaders and cultures.


1. Ask…Then Brace Yourself 

 

The best way to avoid being the leader everyone complains about is to ask your team for feedback. 


Directly. 


Face to face.


Then…brace yourself. 


It would also help if you raised your pain threshold. 


If the feedback you hear from your team surprises or bothers you, don’t tell your face. Smile because your team is giving you a gift.


A current example:

I recently received some feedback from my team as part of an Executive Quarterly {EQ} retreat we did.


I specifically asked them to name where I was getting in the way of our performance. I told them nothing was off-limits, and they didn’t have to worry about my Feeler getting hurt. 


Well…they told me.


Some comments about my leadership included:

  • I can be impulsive.
  • Sometimes, I wig out when things aren’t going well.
  • I micromanage when I’m not sure about the outcome.
  • Sometimes, our mid-term goals seem unclear or vague.


You know what? They were right.


Sure, I was disappointed to hear each of those nuggets of critique, but my frustration was directed at the man in the mirror. I have blind spots, and I am still a work in progress. 


I love my team and their willingness to step in the ring to challenge me with an accurate assessment of my leadership over the last quarter.


Our team often uses the “L” word in our work. 


Love = To Fight FOR the Greatest GOOD of the Other.


Here’s the bottom line. To be a Higher Performance leader, you must raise your pain threshold to hear that kind of feedback directly, honestly, and face to face with your team.


Please note:

  • You can’t wince.
  • You should not deny it.
  • You shouldn’t defend yourself.
  • You can’t sulk.


Once you hear honest feedback, the correct response is a simple “thank you.”


This is the stuff that strengthens your team and culture. 


Sadly, when you look at scandal after scandal across various sectors and leadership spheres, that kind of direct, honest, open feedback is missing because it’s often penalized.


Instead, leaders cultivate cultures of fear, bullying, and self-preservation. In extreme cases, I’ve even heard of dominating leaders forcing staff to resign and demanding they sign NDAs (non-disclosure agreements) on their way out to ensure they won’t talk about how bad things were.


If you want to create irresistible culture, crave the feedback you’d usually curtail, even if it hurts.


Especially if it hurts.


2. Reward It

 

In case you missed it, honest feedback is something you need to reward when given.


Many senior leaders say they’re approachable when that’s not the case.


Remember, even if you think you’re nice, you hold the keys to hiring and firing people. Most people are afraid to tell you the truth because they’re scared of being penalized, pushed to the side, passed over for promotion, or even fired.


So, when you get honest and even critical input, celebrate it.


In our feedback session (and countless other meetings where I get feedback like this), I must remind myself to let my team know that I’m grateful and that this is precisely what they should be doing and need to hear.


Exemplary leaders say things like:

  • Thank you.
  • This feedback is a gift.
  • That’s fair. 
  • I’m grateful you care enough to share that.


If you think it’s risky to do this at work, imagine what would happen if this was the dynamic at home. Trust me. The reward is worth the risk. 


This is the stuff healthy teams do habitually.


And the team will only be as healthy as the leader.


The Time To Optimize Your Campus Performance Is Now

The Lead Team Institute {LTI} is a step-by-step framework for Optimizing Higher Team Performance (when gravitational pull toward average is working against you). 


{LTI} is a complete program of workshops, tools, coaching, and strategies that will equip you to drive Higher Team and System Performance. 


Learn more about the Lead Team Institute

3. Ask More Questions

 

You’ll want to make the honest feedback moments as brief as possible.


Don’t.


When an individual or your team gives you critical feedback, they usually test the waters with something mild and watch for your reaction.


In other words, provoke them to go a few rounds with you to get to the honest truth. 


So, in addition to celebrating what they’ve shared, open another round—in the most open tone possible—by asking questions like:


That was so helpful. Thank you. Anything else?


We should get all interference out on the table.
What else are people seeing? What else could help us grow?


I’m learning and need to know this stuff. Any other thoughts or observations?


Yes, that’s bold, but it’s worth it.


Usually, in round two or three —when people feel safe—the big stuff shows up (my impulsiveness showed up in round three of me asking the question).


Yes, this takes humility. But I’ve learned humility comes through two paths:



  1. Voluntarily
  2. Involuntary


How does involuntary humility happen? Simple: when you get humiliated by others or by a situation. Humiliation is involuntary humility. When you don’t humble yourself, others are happy to do it for you.


I’m trying to be intentional in taking the voluntary path moving forward. 


I don’t always get it right, but I’m fighting hard for me and us.

 

4. Practice the Two-Month Rule

 

Ongoing and honest feedback from your team shouldn’t be an annual event or a performance review phenomenon (the yearly performance review is going the way of the video rental store).

 

You can also have the tightest systems in the world by asking for feedback regularly and still not getting honest responses from your team.


Here is where the “Two Month Rule” comes to play.


If I were your performance coach, I would ask, “when was the last time someone gave you harsh feedback that you took and leveraged to change a leadership behavior that everybody on your team could observe and appreciate?”


If you couldn’t give me an example, I would probably say that your influence is diminishing.


Seriously, if I can’t name a specific challenge that one of my trusted team members gave me in the last two months that helped to keep me off the rocks of average or underperformance, I bet they are also laughing at me and not with me. 


Mic drop.


It got me thinking…have I gone through two-month spurts where all I heard was sunshine? 


Honestly, I’m just not that good. 


And neither are you.


This means it’s time to go back to the team and actively solicit honest feedback.


For me, it’s not just a matter of leading better. It’s a matter of character, care, and credibility. 


I want the people closest to me to become better with me. That includes my wife, kids, friends, and team.


The people closest to you should have the best access to you to be For You. 


Often in leadership, it’s the exact opposite.


Brand New: A Step-By-Step Framework to Optimize Higher Team Performance (when gravitational pull toward average is working against you).


Every leader I know struggles with average-performing systems and is under the gun to improve. Most lack the confidence and collective talent to make it happen. 


I know it’s hard to be that honest to admit you have more questions than solutions. 


If you are hungry for change, we can help. 


Higher Performance Group exists to Optimize Higher Team Performance. 


Don’t think it’s just you and your team who are struggling. That couldn’t be further from the truth. 


So how do you Reclaim Your Momentum (LINK to Reclaim Your Momentum {LIVE}) when you are back in the whirlwind and can’t give up any additional time?


The Lead Team Institute {LTI}  is a step-by-step leadership development solution that integrates within your regular standing leadership meetings. 


In the series of workshops, you will get my entire playbook for Optimizing Higher Team Performance—from start to finish:

  • How to optimize team communication
  • How to optimize team connection
  • How to optimize team alignment
  • How to optimize team capacity
  • How to optimize team execution
  • How to build highly reliable systems


And much more. 

 

The complete package of workshops, tools, assessments, performance coaching and strategies will equip you to build irresistible culture and Higher Team Performance. 


Are you ready to lead your team to higher heights? You can get access to all of it today!

Learn more about the Lead Team Institute

More Blog Articles

By HPG Info August 12, 2026
Why your best TEAMS keep producing average results — and the seven-force system underneath it. There's a villain running in every cabinet meeting that never makes the agenda. It doesn't show up in the accreditation report. It doesn't show up in the strategic plan everyone signed with real applause eleven months ago. It shows up in the parking lot — the conversation two people have on the walk to their cars that never once got said in the room. Nearly a thousand leadership teams told us the same thing, almost word for word: Individually, this cabinet is exceptional. Collectively, it runs at about 60% of what it can actually do. (That's roughly the batting average of the last consultant's deck you paid for.) So here's the only question worth asking: what if the people were never the problem? That gap has a name. Seven names, actually. Once you see them, you won't sit through a cabinet meeting the same way again. This also hits differently depending on the week you're reading it. The Diagnosis Let's talk about this like adults who've sat through enough retreats to know the difference between a "sweet tote-bag vibe" and actual change. You've done the retreat. Facilitator, breakout groups, a conversation on the drive home more honest than anything said in the room. (Somewhere, the whiteboard from that retreat is still standing in a hallway, unerased, like a crime scene nobody's cleared.) You came back with a plan. Three weeks later, it's a shared-drive folder nobody opens. Your best people have gone quiet in meetings — not out of ideas, out of reasons to keep offering them. Two departments have solved the same problem twice, six months apart, neither knowing the other already did the work. None of that is a hiring problem or a motivation problem. It's what the system does. That folder nobody opens — what does it actually cost you? Not dollars. The thing that's harder to name: how many of your best people still believe change is possible here. (This is exactly what the Burnout Force Check measures — three minutes, no guessing, a clear read on which of seven forces is costing your cabinet the most. More on that shortly.) Burnout at the team level isn't seven unrelated problems. It's one system wearing seven faces. Four build on each other in a straight line. The other three are what happens once those four feel normal. Timing · The Force Behind the Forces One more interruption before the framework. Read this in August — cabinet freshly reassembled, year still shaped like a plan — and it lands as a preview. Read it in February, board meeting Thursday, budget doing whatever it’s doing this year, and it lands as a mirror. Same seven forces. Same diagnosis. Completely different weight depending on where your cabinet is standing when it lands. That's not a flaw in the framework — that's the first thing worth knowing about it. Every team carries a pain point. Not every team is standing in the moment to act on it. A cabinet three weeks into a transition has different capacity than one eighteen months into a stable run. So, plainly: if you read the seven forces below and think “yes, but not now” — that’s not the wrong answer. Timing isn’t a character flaw. But “not now” only works with a date attached. Without a date, “not now” is just Drift wearing a calendar as a disguise. Name the pain. Then name the moment. If the moment's wrong, don't force it — build the plan for when it's right. Everything below still applies. Just on your timeline, not somebody else's September. The Tuning System · Why Your Best Cabinet Sounds Off-Key Twenty years ago, I bought a piano. Baby grand, delivered to a house my family hadn't asked to move into — three kids uprooted from the only childhood they'd known, distinctly unimpressed with dad's new title. We'd already done ice cream. Then a puppy. Then this. The piano was the exclamation point on my bribery campaign. The day it arrived, that piano was about as close to perfect as an instrument gets. Every string hand-tensioned. Every hammer weighted exactly right. Seven notes to the octave, every one of them true. My kids played it, but nobody had to really even touch it to lessen the quality. The daily temperature shifts and the humidity drifts were enough — the wood and wire quietly answering back, a fraction of a millimeter at a time. Nobody ever touched a tuning peg. The room just kept pulling on it. All three of my kids grew up on that piano. The ones playing it every day were the last people on earth to hear the drift. They adjusted without ever noticing they were adjusting. It took our tuner — a woman who came once a year, someone who hadn't been living inside that slow drift — to sit down and wince at the first chord. Your Team: Nobody lowered their bar. Nobody had to. Seven forces pull on your leadership team constantly. Four build the whole engine, one causing the next: FRAGMENTATION — The Silo Tax. MIT's Human Dynamics Lab found fragmented teams burn up to 60% of their energy on coordination drag alone. (Your cabinet isn't lazy. It's just really, really good at scheduling meetings about the meeting.) EXHAUSTION — The Parking Brake. When coordination breaks, someone absorbs the gap. Not a personality trait. A structural bill, and it always comes due inside somebody's calendar. ISOLATION — The Solo Sport. Exhausted people stop reaching — not because they've stopped caring, because vulnerability became a cost the system taught them they can't afford. SCARCITY — The Empty Table. Isolated people compete for a recognition supply the system made feel finite. Not a mindset problem. An accurate read of a rationed room. COMPARISON, NOISE, and DRIFT are what a culture does once those four feel normal — peaking, respectively, during budget season, right before a board vote, and in year three or four of a tenure, not at the crisis but in the calm after it. Call her Daniela — a college provost with a team that, on paper, should've been unstoppable. Eight people, decades of combined experience, individually excellent by every metric that shows up on a résumé. Their meetings ran long, produced consensus, changed almost nothing. Her VP of Student Success had started emailing ideas instead of raising them in the room — safer, she said, than watching them get nodded at and forgotten. Here's the part that matters for timing: Daniela ran the Burnout Check in February — mid-year, mid-fatigue, three weeks after a board member asked a hard question about retention nobody answered well. Not because February is special. Because that's when her cabinet was finally ready. She ran the Launch Check on the next initiative — three questions, out loud, before anything left the room: What problem are we actually solving? Who else needs to know this exists? What breaks if we don't coordinate here? Not a retreat. A five-minute habit, applied every time. Eight months later — back at the start of a new academic year — her cabinet wasn't just aligned, it was audible. Her VP started raising ideas in the room again, because the room had finally started keeping them. The Application · What To Run, Whenever "Now" Actually Is Here's what to run at your next meeting — not a retreat, not a new initiative. Three moves, one gut-check on timing first. Move 0 — Locate yourselves. (5 min) Where's your cabinet actually standing? New year? Mid-year plateau? Weeks from a board vote? Mid-transition? Say it out loud. The forces don't change. Your capacity to act on them right now does. Move 1 — Run the Launch Check. (10 min, next agenda item) What problem are we actually solving? Who else needs to know this exists? What breaks if we don't coordinate here? (Can't answer the third one? You just found your fragmentation. Congratulations — you're now self-aware, which is more than most teams manage before they don't.) Move 2 — Audit the brake. (15 min, this week) Ask everyone to name one task this week that exists only because something upstream is broken. Pick one. Abandon it, publicly. Move 3 — Name what counts. (Every meeting) Before you close, name one contribution from the last week — specifically. Not “great job.” More like: “That question you asked Tuesday saved us from a decision we’d have regretted.” Two objections, handled straight: “We don’t have time for this.” How many hours did your cabinet spend last week on work that only exists because something upstream never got fixed? Teams we've studied average 40% of a week there. What's forty percent of your week actually worth? “The timing’s genuinely bad.” Then don’t run all three this week. Run Move 0. Name the moment, out loud, and put a real date on the calendar for the rest. A named delay is a plan. An unnamed one is Drift. The Maturity Shift Immature cabinets think: “We need better communicators.” Mature cabinets think: “We need a coordination system nobody has to remember to use.” Immature cabinets think: “Wrong time — skip it.” Mature cabinets think: “Wrong time — name the date.” Immature cabinets treat the retreat as the fix. Mature cabinets treat it as the invitation — and the Monday after, whatever month it falls in, as the actual work. (Immature cabinets also still have that whiteboard in the hallway. Someone should really erase that.) Uncomfortable math: the average leadership team we've studied runs at 60% of its own potential — not because the people are average, but because seven forces are quietly pulling on an instrument nobody's been asked to keep tuned. One word. Which force is eating your cabinet right now? One more, honestly: is now the moment you act, or the moment you name when you will? Go Tune Your Own Cabinet — On Your Own Timeline Most cabinets never get past naming the problem. They diagnose it beautifully at a retreat, then go back Monday to the same untuned instrument. One more question, honest answer this time: if this stays exactly this shape for the next two years, what does that cost? Not the institution's numbers. You. The part of you that took this seat to build something, not just keep it running. What would it mean to know — not guess, know — which of these seven forces is costing your cabinet the most, and whether right now is the moment to act on it? The Burnout Force Check takes about three minutes and shows you exactly where your cabinet sits across all seven forces — same research behind this framework, built to tell you the diagnosis and the timing: https://burnoutforce.higherperformancegroup.com/ That baby grand is still standing in my living room. My kids are grown now — gone, building their own lives, with their own drift to manage. My grandkids are the ones on the bench these days. Same instrument. Same seven strings. I didn't understand it twenty years ago, but I never bought that piano for me. I bought it for whoever showed up next. That's the whole case for the Burnout Force Keynote , honestly. Every leader eventually leaves the seat. The only question is whether the next person inherits a system that's still drifting, or a signal that holds without you in the room: https://www.higherperformancegroup.com/burnout-force Across 987 leadership teams in 43 states, the cabinets that ran this framework saw real, measurable movement on all seven forces — because the system finally got named, tuned, and named again at the right moment. The diagnosis doesn't change with the season. Your capacity to act on it does. What's the first force worth naming out loud in your next meeting? Found Something in This? Message us. We read every one. info@higherperformancegroup.com Follow DR. JOE HILL and Higher Performance Group | THE BURNOUT FORCE
By HPG Info August 3, 2026
K-12 or higher ed — same grave, same fight, and where we actually stand on it. Every August, someone in a lanyard stands in front of a room full of exhausted adults — a superintendent at convocation, a provost at the fall address — and says some version of “this is the year everything changes.” Everyone claps. Nobody believes it. By October, both rooms are right back where they started, for the exact same structural reason, just wearing different institutional colors. You know the K-12 version of the grave: the PD-day initiative that had its own hashtag in August and hasn't been mentioned since the first snow day. You know the higher-ed version: the strategic plan the board approved 7-0, the one nobody on the provost's council could name a completed goal from by homecoming. Same grave. Different landscaping. Here's what should actually keep you pacing in your office more than enrollment or the sub shortage. Gallup's 2023 workforce data puts global disengagement at 62% . MIT's Human Dynamics Lab found fragmented teams burn up to 60% of their energy on coordination — meetings about meetings, not the work. Harvard economist Sendhil Mullainathan's research on scarcity found that operating under constant shortage costs the brain the functional equivalent of 13 IQ points . Thirteen. That's the gap between your sharpest VP and someone who forgot the agenda. One more, because it should make you genuinely angry: training-transfer research going back three decades puts the share of professional learning that ever makes it into practice at under 10% . Every PD day. Every retreat. Every conference you sent three people to in July. You're not underfunding development. You're funding an extremely expensive form of forgetting. None of this is a motivation problem. Your people aren't lazy or allergic to change. They're operating inside a system quietly taxing them on seven fronts before they've poured their first cup of coffee in the building. And if it doesn't get named this year, it isn't just this year that pays for it. It's whoever inherits your seat. It's the kid in the back row, the freshman three weeks into a dorm, the faculty member who stopped raising a hand two years ago and nobody noticed. The cost has names. So here's where we stand, plainly, because none of this works if you don't know it. WE ARE FOR HEALTHY TEAMS AND HIGHLY RELIABLE SYSTEMS. That's the HPG brand, in five words. WE ARE AGAINST THE SYSTEMS THAT ACCELERATE BURNOUT — the ones that train your best people to mistake exhaustion for commitment, reward the loudest voice over the best idea, and quietly bill the people who care most for continuing to care. Not the board. Not the budget. THE SYSTEM itself. We didn't build this to run another workshop. We built it to fight for both ends of that equation — the leader carrying it, and the kid, the freshman, the faculty member on the other side who never got a vote in how well the system was built. Pick a side. We already have. Here's what FOR actually looks like, not hypothetically — we've watched it happen close to a thousand times. The Tuesday cabinet meeting ends on time. The VP who started emailing ideas instead of saying them out loud starts saying them out loud again. The plan from August is still alive in October — audible, not filed. That's not a culture initiative. That's a highly reliable system, doing what it's supposed to do. It starts with knowing, precisely, which of seven forces is your leak. Not guessing. Not a hallway read. Next week, you find out which one is yours. I'm opening The Burnout Force Check — three minutes, seven forces, your own honest number. It isn't live yet. It opens next week, right here.  Message me personally, and I'll make sure you're first through the door — doesn't matter which lanyard you're wearing. Follow DR. JOE HILL and Higher Performance Group
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