4 Ways To Ensure You Become The Type Of Boss Your People Love And Laugh With (Not At)

September 27, 2022

It happens every day.


You’ve seen it, and maybe you’ve done it.


Done what?


Talk about a leader behind their back about everything you think you could never say to their face.


Every day, people vent about their leaders with rolled eyes and snarky jokes.


Most leaders have no clue it’s happening to them.

Please note: The organization's success does not exempt one from the backstage devilries. 


No level of leadership frees you from your weaknesses. You can lead one of the most successful systems in your sector and still have flaws that frustrate your team.


And here is the truth: The higher one transcends up the organizational chart, the more these weaknesses are illuminated. 


So, how do you avoid becoming that leader?


One of the best ways to do that is to make sure your team talks TO you about their challenges.


If your team feels like they can talk TO you, the office drama and gossip drop precipitously. 


So, how exactly do you build the conditions for that?


Here are four keys to creating a culture where people can talk to you as a leader, not just about you when you leave the room. 


I’ll also walk you through some fresh examples of how this reality plays across our HPG team.


If you don’t think this matters, remember—people don’t quit their jobs these days. They leave leaders and cultures.


1. Ask…Then Brace Yourself 

 

The best way to avoid being the leader everyone complains about is to ask your team for feedback. 


Directly. 


Face to face.


Then…brace yourself. 


It would also help if you raised your pain threshold. 


If the feedback you hear from your team surprises or bothers you, don’t tell your face. Smile because your team is giving you a gift.


A current example:

I recently received some feedback from my team as part of an Executive Quarterly {EQ} retreat we did.


I specifically asked them to name where I was getting in the way of our performance. I told them nothing was off-limits, and they didn’t have to worry about my Feeler getting hurt. 


Well…they told me.


Some comments about my leadership included:

  • I can be impulsive.
  • Sometimes, I wig out when things aren’t going well.
  • I micromanage when I’m not sure about the outcome.
  • Sometimes, our mid-term goals seem unclear or vague.


You know what? They were right.


Sure, I was disappointed to hear each of those nuggets of critique, but my frustration was directed at the man in the mirror. I have blind spots, and I am still a work in progress. 


I love my team and their willingness to step in the ring to challenge me with an accurate assessment of my leadership over the last quarter.


Our team often uses the “L” word in our work. 


Love = To Fight FOR the Greatest GOOD of the Other.


Here’s the bottom line. To be a Higher Performance leader, you must raise your pain threshold to hear that kind of feedback directly, honestly, and face to face with your team.


Please note:

  • You can’t wince.
  • You should not deny it.
  • You shouldn’t defend yourself.
  • You can’t sulk.


Once you hear honest feedback, the correct response is a simple “thank you.”


This is the stuff that strengthens your team and culture. 


Sadly, when you look at scandal after scandal across various sectors and leadership spheres, that kind of direct, honest, open feedback is missing because it’s often penalized.


Instead, leaders cultivate cultures of fear, bullying, and self-preservation. In extreme cases, I’ve even heard of dominating leaders forcing staff to resign and demanding they sign NDAs (non-disclosure agreements) on their way out to ensure they won’t talk about how bad things were.


If you want to create irresistible culture, crave the feedback you’d usually curtail, even if it hurts.


Especially if it hurts.


2. Reward It

 

In case you missed it, honest feedback is something you need to reward when given.


Many senior leaders say they’re approachable when that’s not the case.


Remember, even if you think you’re nice, you hold the keys to hiring and firing people. Most people are afraid to tell you the truth because they’re scared of being penalized, pushed to the side, passed over for promotion, or even fired.


So, when you get honest and even critical input, celebrate it.


In our feedback session (and countless other meetings where I get feedback like this), I must remind myself to let my team know that I’m grateful and that this is precisely what they should be doing and need to hear.


Exemplary leaders say things like:

  • Thank you.
  • This feedback is a gift.
  • That’s fair. 
  • I’m grateful you care enough to share that.


If you think it’s risky to do this at work, imagine what would happen if this was the dynamic at home. Trust me. The reward is worth the risk. 


This is the stuff healthy teams do habitually.


And the team will only be as healthy as the leader.


The Time To Optimize Your Campus Performance Is Now

The Lead Team Institute {LTI} is a step-by-step framework for Optimizing Higher Team Performance (when gravitational pull toward average is working against you). 


{LTI} is a complete program of workshops, tools, coaching, and strategies that will equip you to drive Higher Team and System Performance. 


Learn more about the Lead Team Institute

3. Ask More Questions

 

You’ll want to make the honest feedback moments as brief as possible.


Don’t.


When an individual or your team gives you critical feedback, they usually test the waters with something mild and watch for your reaction.


In other words, provoke them to go a few rounds with you to get to the honest truth. 


So, in addition to celebrating what they’ve shared, open another round—in the most open tone possible—by asking questions like:


That was so helpful. Thank you. Anything else?


We should get all interference out on the table.
What else are people seeing? What else could help us grow?


I’m learning and need to know this stuff. Any other thoughts or observations?


Yes, that’s bold, but it’s worth it.


Usually, in round two or three —when people feel safe—the big stuff shows up (my impulsiveness showed up in round three of me asking the question).


Yes, this takes humility. But I’ve learned humility comes through two paths:

ο»Ώ

  1. Voluntarily
  2. Involuntary


How does involuntary humility happen? Simple: when you get humiliated by others or by a situation. Humiliation is involuntary humility. When you don’t humble yourself, others are happy to do it for you.


I’m trying to be intentional in taking the voluntary path moving forward. 


I don’t always get it right, but I’m fighting hard for me and us.

 

4. Practice the Two-Month Rule

 

Ongoing and honest feedback from your team shouldn’t be an annual event or a performance review phenomenon (the yearly performance review is going the way of the video rental store).

 

You can also have the tightest systems in the world by asking for feedback regularly and still not getting honest responses from your team.


Here is where the “Two Month Rule” comes to play.


If I were your performance coach, I would ask, “when was the last time someone gave you harsh feedback that you took and leveraged to change a leadership behavior that everybody on your team could observe and appreciate?”


If you couldn’t give me an example, I would probably say that your influence is diminishing.


Seriously, if I can’t name a specific challenge that one of my trusted team members gave me in the last two months that helped to keep me off the rocks of average or underperformance, I bet they are also laughing at me and not with me. 


Mic drop.


It got me thinking…have I gone through two-month spurts where all I heard was sunshine? 


Honestly, I’m just not that good. 


And neither are you.


This means it’s time to go back to the team and actively solicit honest feedback.


For me, it’s not just a matter of leading better. It’s a matter of character, care, and credibility. 


I want the people closest to me to become better with me. That includes my wife, kids, friends, and team.


The people closest to you should have the best access to you to be For You. 


Often in leadership, it’s the exact opposite.


Brand New: A Step-By-Step Framework to Optimize Higher Team Performance (when gravitational pull toward average is working against you).


Every leader I know struggles with average-performing systems and is under the gun to improve. Most lack the confidence and collective talent to make it happen. 


I know it’s hard to be that honest to admit you have more questions than solutions. 


If you are hungry for change, we can help. 


Higher Performance Group exists to Optimize Higher Team Performance. 


Don’t think it’s just you and your team who are struggling. That couldn’t be further from the truth. 


So how do you Reclaim Your Momentum (LINK to Reclaim Your Momentum {LIVE}) when you are back in the whirlwind and can’t give up any additional time?


The Lead Team Institute {LTI}  is a step-by-step leadership development solution that integrates within your regular standing leadership meetings. 


In the series of workshops, you will get my entire playbook for Optimizing Higher Team Performance—from start to finish:

  • How to optimize team communication
  • How to optimize team connection
  • How to optimize team alignment
  • How to optimize team capacity
  • How to optimize team execution
  • How to build highly reliable systems


And much more. 

 

The complete package of workshops, tools, assessments, performance coaching and strategies will equip you to build irresistible culture and Higher Team Performance. 


Are you ready to lead your team to higher heights? You can get access to all of it today!

Learn more about the Lead Team Institute

More Blog Articles

By HPG Info May 25, 2026
Note: Your team already knows the answer. Here’s a diagnostic question nobody asks at your strategic planning retreat: When was the last time your stated values cost someone something real? Not a performance conversation. Not an awkward pause in a hiring debrief. An actual consequence — a hire you didn’t make, a promotion you delayed, a departure you initiated — because someone violated the culture, not the metrics. Take a moment. Search your memory. I’ll wait. If you’re struggling to name the instance — not because it was so long ago, but because it genuinely hasn’t happened — then you don’t have values. You have wallpaper. Beautiful, professionally designed, consensus-approved wallpaper. Run a word cloud on the stated values of 500 K-12 and higher ed institutions right now. Integrity. Respect. Excellence. Innovation. Equity. Community. The six most expensive words in educational leadership. Expensive because they cost nothing to claim and prove nothing when violated. Meanwhile, the highest-performing organizations outside education built something structurally different. Their lesson isn’t philosophical. It’s architectural. And the gap between what they built and what most institutions call a values exercise is costing your institution more than your last three failed strategic initiatives combined. The villain here is not your character or your cabinet’s. It’s what happens — reliably, predictably, across 987 leadership teams in 43 states — when values live in the lobby instead of the decision architecture. The Diagnosis: When Values Become Performance Art The décor model is predictable. An institution convenes a committee, runs a facilitated process involving Post-it notes and enthusiastic nodding, and produces a list of virtues nobody could argue with. Respect. Integrity. Innovation. All free. All harmless. All useless as architecture. The problem isn’t the words. It’s what happens next — which is nothing. Values get a design treatment, go on the wall, and actual decisions continue being made by what has always made them: budget pressure, political relationships, and the preferences of whoever has the most tenure and the least accountability. (You know that person. They were in your last cabinet meeting. They’ll be in the next one.) Here’s the diagnostic question that matters: When did your values last make a decision before you did? The pattern across our research is consistent. Institutions with performative values frameworks operate at a fraction of their collective ceiling. Not because the people lack conviction — they don’t. But because when the person who most visibly undermines the stated culture keeps getting promoted, your team doesn’t conclude the values were ambiguous. They conclude the values were theater. And they adapt — rationally, efficiently, quietly — to the system that actually exists. Not the one on the wall. (This is the structural villain THE TEAM INSTITUTE addresses — not by teaching better values, but by building the architecture that makes values operational at the cabinet level. More on that in a moment.) Here’s what makes this urgent: your best people — the ones with options, the ones whose departure would sting — figured this out faster than you did. They’re not disengaged. They’re in values triage. Sorting signal from performance. Deciding how much of themselves to invest in a culture they can’t yet verify is real. What Load-Bearing Values Actually Look Like The highest-performing organizations outside education didn’t stumble into values clarity. They engineered it. And in every case, the thing that made their values real was identical: consequences built into the architecture. Netflix: Adequate Performance Gets a Generous Severance Package That single line — published in Netflix’s culture document, viewed over 20 million times, called by Sheryl Sandberg the most important document to come out of Silicon Valley — is the most load-bearing value statement in modern organizational history. Not because it’s harsh. Because it’s honest. Netflix built the Keeper Test. Managers ask one question, regularly: if this person told me they were leaving for a comparable role elsewhere, would I fight hard to keep them? If the answer is no, Netflix doesn’t wait for performance to deteriorate. They offer a generous severance and open the seat for someone who earns a yes. The question for your cabinet: would you fight hard to keep every direct report? At Netflix, that answer has a documented consequence. At most institutions, it’s just a thought that happens on the drive home. Southwest Airlines: Warrior Spirit, Servant’s Heart, Fun-LUVing Attitude Southwest receives a job application every two seconds. They hire fewer than 2% of applicants. Before any skills assessment, they screen for exactly three things: Warrior Spirit, Servant’s Heart, Fun-LUVing Attitude. Not aspirational nouns. Behavioral filters, observable in a group interview — in how you treat the receptionist when you think no one’s watching, in the story you tell about a time you failed, in whether you laugh at yourself or perform competence. Their motto: hire for attitude, train for skill. Because you can train someone to load a plane. You cannot train a cultural misfit into a high performer. And Southwest measures all three values in annual performance reviews — not just what you produced, but how you produced it. The diagnostic question: do your stated values appear in your hiring rubric, your performance evaluation, or your promotion criteria? If the answer to all three is no — you built values for the lobby, not the institution. Zappos: We Will Pay You to Leave After completing their first week of training at Zappos, new employees received a check to quit. Tony Hsieh eventually raised it to $4,000. Less than 1% took the offer. That’s the point. The check wasn’t designed to thin the herd. It forced a conscious declaration. People who turn down $4,000 to stay are actually here. Everyone else is just present. There’s a difference. Your cabinet can feel the difference in the first fifteen minutes of a cabinet meeting. Hsieh fired people performing their jobs well if they were corrosive to the culture. The question for your institution: have you ever let a genuinely talented person go because of a values call alone? If the honest answer is never — you haven’t yet tested whether your values are real. Patagonia: We Told Our Customers Not to Buy Our Product Black Friday 2011 — the highest-revenue retail day of the year. Patagonia ran a full-page ad in the New York Times: “Don’t Buy This Jacket.” The ad detailed the exact environmental cost of producing their best-selling R2 jacket: 135 liters of water, 20 pounds of COβ‚‚, two-thirds of its own weight in waste. Then asked consumers to think before buying anything new. Revenue grew 30% in the nine months that followed. Not because the ad was clever — because people recognized something rare: an organization that actually means what it says. Patagonia told customers not to buy their product and grew 30%. Because the only thing rarer than an organization that means what it says is the person who doesn’t notice when one finally shows up. The question for your institution: would you take the institutional equivalent of that position? A costly public stand, at an inconvenient moment, because your values demanded it? If that’s hard to even imagine, your values haven’t been tested enough to know if they’re real. The Team Jersey Principle In sports, wearing the jersey means something. It’s not a costume. It’s a declaration of accountability to a shared standard that exists independent of your mood on a given Tuesday. The most impactful leaders don’t just comply with institutional values — they wear them. They reference them in hard conversations. They invoke them when it’s inconvenient. They make the call nobody would hold them to — and they make it anyway. Herb Kelleher worked baggage handling the day before Thanksgiving — busiest travel day of the year, in the rain — because the Warrior Spirit wasn’t a poster to him. Patagonia’s founder eventually gave the entire company to a climate trust. Not a PR move. A leader who decided the jersey was worth more than the equity. The diagnostic question: would your cabinet describe you as someone who wears the institutional values — or someone who administers them? The gap between those two descriptions is the cultural altitude your institution is currently operating at. What HPG Just Did We completed our own 2026–2027 values exercise — the real kind. What we landed on:
By HPG Info May 18, 2026
You believe in your people. Your org chart doesn't. ο»Ώ That's not a leadership philosophy problem. It's an architecture problem. And it's sitting in five questions. The gap between what your cabinet produces and what it's actually capable of isn't a hiring problem. It isn't a training problem. It isn't even a culture problem — though it wears culture's name in most post-mortem conversations. It's a deployment problem. And it has a name: The Deployment Gap — the distance between what your people are actually built to do and what your cabinet architecture is currently asking them to do. You don't have a talent problem. You have a deployment architecture problem. And unlike talent, architecture is completely within your control. The test below takes eight minutes. It will either confirm what you already sense — or surface a gap you've been too busy to name. Either way, you'll know something true by the end of it. THE DIAGNOSIS Why Brilliant People Produce Mediocre Cabinets Let's talk about this like adults who've survived enough strategic planning retreats to know the difference between a cabinet that's functioning and one that's performing. Functioning cabinets execute. They show up, manage their portfolios, hit compliance deadlines, and nod in the right places. (You know the nod. The one that means "I heard you" but not "I'm with you." The one that migrates to the parking lot conversation afterward.) Performing cabinets multiply. They think together. They cover each other's blind spots. They produce outcomes that none of them could have generated alone — not because they're smarter individually, but because the collective architecture actually matches who they are. Here's the uncomfortable truth most leadership development programs won't tell you: The gap between those two cabinets is almost never about talent. It's almost always about deployment. Research across 987 leadership teams tells us the same story in different fonts. High-IQ cabinets underperform not because of individual deficiency but because of structural misalignment — people operating outside their zone of genuine contribution, carrying responsibilities that drain rather than energize, filling roles designed for a generic leader rather than the specific, irreplaceable human being actually sitting in the seat. TQ = IQ × EQ × PQ. The PQ dimension — Perceptual Intelligence, the capacity to accurately see what's actually happening with the people in your system — is the one most cabinet leaders have optimized least. Not because they don't care. Because nobody gave them a diagnostic tool that cut beneath the org chart. Until now. (This is the exact gap THE TEAM INSTITUTE was built to close — not through individual development, but through collective architecture that deploys who your people actually are. More in a moment.) Before you run the test — one quick audit: when did you last ask a cabinet member what they do better than almost anyone? If you're reaching for a specific answer, note that. If you're not — note that too. THE 5-QUESTION CABINET STRESS TEST Run this on your current cabinet. Answer honestly — not as the leader you want to be, but as the one who was in last Tuesday's cabinet meeting. No scoring rubric. What follows each question is a consequence statement. The answer you give is less important than what it tells you about the system you've built. Question 1 If every cabinet member were asked to name their single greatest professional strength — the thing they do better than almost anyone — would their answers match what you're currently asking them to do? If the answer is mostly no — or if you're not certain what their answers would be — you have a Discovery Gap. Your cabinet architecture was designed around roles, not people. The result: capable individuals operating at a fraction of their actual ceiling, not because they're underperforming but because they're misaligned. The tragedy isn't that they're failing. It's that they're succeeding at the wrong things. Question 2 In your last five cabinet meetings, who spoke the most? Who spoke the least? And does that pattern reflect genuine contribution — or organizational hierarchy? Silence in a cabinet meeting is never neutral. It's either the silence of someone who feels safe enough to think before speaking — or the silence of someone who has learned that speaking costs more than it's worth. If the same two or three voices dominate every meeting regardless of topic, you don't have a quiet cabinet. You have a cabinet where PQ has been quietly trained out of most of the room. The ideas you need most are sitting behind the people who stopped offering them somewhere between year one and year two. Question 3 When did you last move someone in your cabinet — not out, sideways — because you discovered they'd be more valuable somewhere else? If the answer is "never" or "not recently," you're running a static architecture in a dynamic institution. The principle of comparative advantage — deploying people based on what makes the whole team better, not just what fills the org chart — requires ongoing recalibration. High-TQ cabinets aren't built once. They're continuously tuned. If your cabinet looks structurally identical to the one you inherited or designed three years ago, it's almost certainly operating below its ceiling — because the people in it have grown, and the structure hasn't followed. Question 4 If you removed yourself from the room, would the quality of your cabinet's thinking go up, go down, or stay the same? This one stops people cold. And it should. The honest answer for most leaders is: it would go down. Not because their cabinet is incapable — but because the cabinet has been architected around the leader's presence rather than the team's collective intelligence. When the leader is the room's primary thinker, the cabinet functions as a reporting structure rather than a thinking unit. High-TQ cabinets are built to think better when the leader steps back, not worse. If your absence creates a gap rather than an activation, the architecture needs attention. → Save this before you keep reading. Question 4 is the one you'll want to bring to your cabinet. Question 5 What is one thing someone on your cabinet is genuinely better at than you — and are you currently deploying that superiority or quietly managing it? This is the question that separates leaders who believe in their people from leaders who manage their people. Believing in people is not a sentiment. It's a structural act. It means building an architecture where someone else's excellence isn't a threat to your authority — it's the mechanism by which your institution actually moves. If the honest answer is that you're managing their superiority rather than deploying it, you're paying the full cost of their talent while capturing only a fraction of its value. The org chart proves it — or it doesn't. THE FRAMEWORK What High-TQ Cabinets Do Differently The leaders in our research who moved their cabinets from functioning to performing didn't do it through better hiring. They did it through better seeing. They stopped asking "Is this person good at their job?" and started asking "Is this person in the job they're actually built for — and is the team architecture drawing out what makes them irreplaceable?" Three specific moves separated them from the rest. Move 1: The Contribution Conversation 30 minutes. This week. Schedule a one-on-one with each cabinet member — not a performance check-in. A contribution conversation. One question: "If you could redesign your role to maximize what you do better than almost anyone, what would change?" Then listen without defending the org chart. You're not committing to restructuring. You're generating intelligence. What you learn in those conversations will tell you more about your cabinet's deployment gap than any assessment you've ever administered. (If you're thinking "I don't have time for five thirty-minute conversations" — you're currently spending far more than that managing the downstream effects of misalignment. The math is not close.) Move 2: The Silence Audit Your next cabinet meeting. At your next cabinet meeting, track — on paper, not mentally — who speaks, on what topics, and for how long. Don't change the meeting. Just observe it. What you'll find almost always surprises leaders: the pattern of voice has almost nothing to do with who has the most relevant expertise on a given topic. It has everything to do with who has learned that speaking in this room is safe. The silence audit isn't about demanding more participation. It's about diagnosing which voices your current architecture has quietly trained out of the room — and what those voices would be worth if the architecture changed. Move 3: The Comparative Advantage Question Standing agenda item. Add one question to your monthly cabinet agenda: "Given what each of us is genuinely best at — are we deployed against our comparative advantages right now, or against our job descriptions?" High-TQ cabinets ask this question continuously. They treat deployment as a living variable, not a fixed structure. The result isn't chaos — it's the opposite. When people operate inside their zone of genuine contribution, the collective architecture stabilizes because everyone is giving what they actually have rather than performing what was expected. THE MATURITY SHIFT IMMATURE LEADER THINKS: "I need to develop my people." MATURE LEADER THINKS: "I need to deploy my people — against what they're actually built for, not what the org chart assumed they'd be." IMMATURE LEADER THINKS: Fills roles with people. Hires for the job description. Evaluates against it. Develops people within it. MATURE LEADER THINKS: Builds architecture around people. Discovers what each person does better than almost anyone. Builds the structure that deploys it. IMMATURE LEADER THINKS: Believes in their people as a value statement. MATURE LEADER THINKS: Believes in their people as a structural act. The org chart proves it — or it doesn't. The gap between believing in your people and building for them is the most expensive gap in educational leadership. It doesn't show up on your balance sheet. It shows up in every cabinet meeting where the room produces less than the sum of the people in it. Your turn: Run Question 1 right now. Name one person on your cabinet whose greatest professional strength is not what you're currently asking them to do most. First name only. One sentence. What would change in your institution if you fixed that one misalignment? Drop it in the comments. The pattern in those answers will tell you something important about how many leaders are sitting on untapped architecture. THE TEAM INSTITUTE Most leadership development programs operate on a theory that is structurally backwards: develop people individually, and cabinet performance will follow. It won't. Not at the level you need. Not consistently. Not without the collective architecture that ensures individual development actually lands somewhere. Here's what the research across 987 leadership teams shows: the cabinets that moved from 60% to 90% capacity didn't get there by becoming individually sharper. They got there by building the collective conditions where each person's genuine contribution could actually be deployed — and protected. That's what THE TEAM INSTITUTE builds. Not better individual leaders. Better collective architecture — the shared language, structural clarity, and trust infrastructure that turns eight individually capable people into a cabinet that genuinely multiplies. 8 months. Full cabinet. Sequential development that builds from the foundations on which everything else depends. From our research: 3x performance improvement. 29% higher engagement. 27% better organizational outcomes. Zero burnout increase. One requirement: full cabinet participation. Partial collective architecture is not architecture. It's a majority position wearing the name of the whole. If you recognized your cabinet somewhere in those five questions, that recognition is data. Not a feeling. Data. The Team Intelligence Assessment is not a self-assessment. It's a whole-cabinet diagnostic — your full leadership team completes it together, and the output shows exactly where your cabinet lands on the spectrum from functioning to multiplying. Calibrated against 987 leadership teams across 43 states. The output pinpoints specifically whether the gap in your cabinet lives in IQ, EQ, or PQ. Most cabinets find the gap isn't where they assumed it was. That surprise is where the real work begins. If there were a way to build the collective architecture your cabinet is missing — without another retreat that returns seven brilliant individuals to the same broken system — would that be worth exploring? → Learn more and reserve your team's assessment window: higherperformancegroup.com/team-intelligence-assessment This is a conversation between people who are done accepting cabinets that function when they could be multiplying. FOUND VALUE IN THIS? Help other educational leaders find it: → Repost this with your answer to Question 4. "If I stepped out, my cabinet's thinking would _____." One word. The leaders who need to read this are in your network right now — and that one word will make them stop scrolling. → Tag a cabinet member who brings something genuinely irreplaceable to your team — and tell them you see it. Seven words. Highest-ROI leadership act you'll do this week. → Comment with your honest answer to Question 1. One name, one sentence. The pattern in those comments will tell you something important about how many leaders are sitting on untapped architecture. The more leaders who move from developing their people to deploying them, the better our institutions become. Follow DR. JOE HILL for the framework. Follow Higher Performance Group for the research behind it. Every week.
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